Sex in the Sky

Not one person had mentioned my 30th birthday. Not Rachel, not Andy or the kids, not Louis, not even my mom. Not a word about a party or presents or anything. Granted, I’d been whining and making a big deal out of turning 30, threatening them with violence if anyone dared get me black balloons or even mention the words “over the hill”; in fact I said I didn’t want to celebrate at all. But what we say and what we mean are not always the same. I didn’t need the banks to shut down, but at least they could’ve said something about it.

Anyway, I had to work that night. It was a Saturday and I’d be working the whole bar alone until 2 am, as usual. I usually had a few beers during my shift, lots of customers bought me drinks; but I couldn’t get drunk, not with so much to stay on top of, so instead before work I had a few hits from my stash that Louis gave me free of charge. One of the perks of sleeping with someone who grew his own. It made me more mellow and a little giggly, more tolerant of the usual crowd of idiots.

Still, even a little high, I was pissed off when I drove down to the Goose, brooding about why everyone had decided to ignore my birthday. Shit, they didn’t really believe me when I asked them not to make a fuss, did they? Birthdays are the one day of the year when it’s all about you. Surely my friends and family knew me well enough to know that since one day was all I got, I sure as hell wanted to milk it for all it was worth.

The new sign the Lakes had just gotten, one of the big yellow ones you can put letters on, was blinking and flashing. As I got close enough, it occurred to me to read the newest message, and it said in big black letters, Happy 30th Birthday Sean. The parking lot already was full of cars and it was only 6 pm; when I walked through the door, bewildered, there was a big shout of “Surprise!”

The bar was decorated with balloons and streamers and a Happy Birthday banner; the tables were pushed together and there was a cake and a buffet and even some wrapped presents. Everyone was there. The Lakes. All the regulars, including Nick and all his friends I’d gone to school with since kindergarten. My mom, Andrew and the kids, his friends and their kids, Rachel and Tom, and Louis, all grinning at me as I blinked, speechless, but laughing. I got a kick out of seeing how Rachel squirmed with Tom and her ex-boyfriend Ryan in the same room after what had happened a few weeks ago.

“Are you surprised, Uncle Sean?” my niece Kayley jumped up and down, throwing herself at me. I lifted her up in my arms and hugged her. She was very proud to have kept the secret so well.

“Yeah, baby. Stunned.”

“You really thought we weren’t going to do anything, didn’t you?” My mom hugged me. Carla Lake was tending bar while I opened my presents and had a piece of the cake my mom made, my favorite, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. It was a really great party and I was so surprised and touched that they’d cared enough to plan out such an elaborate scheme. No one had given me a birthday party in years, not since my first year of college, when I turned 19 and my friends in the dorm surprised me. There were so many people there I barely had a second to talk to Louis out of anyone else’s earshot.

“I’ll give you your present later,” he whispered, giving me that bone-melting grin of his, the one that turned me all to jelly and made my dick give a jump in my pants.

Eventually the party wound down, all the kids had to leave, and my mom took the remaining food and cake back to Andy’s; the Lakes left too, leaving me to handle the bar full of rowdy drunks. Louis stayed, shooting the shit with old schoolmates at the end of the bar, even though they weren’t friends back then. None of that really mattered these days, though. Out of the edge of my awareness, at one point I noticed him go to the jukebox, and the song that he played was “Lola” by the Kinks. I felt my whole body flood with warmth. That was the song that was playing the very first time we kissed, in the front seat of my brother’s old Mustang he inherited from our dad. I glanced up and our eyes met, and over all the heads, we shared a smile.

What a romantic.

The night was pretty wild. I breathed a sigh of relief when I finally locked the door behind the last customer to leave. Louis was sitting at the bar finishing his beer while I did the close-out, waiting for me, even though he hadn’t mentioned any plans. I assumed we were going back to my place and I was getting worked up just thinking about it, wondering what my present could be.

“We better go.”

“Okay.” Louis nodded and went toward the door, but I caught him before he got there and grabbed him, pushing him back against the pool table so he was sitting on the edge, his inner thighs resting along the outside of mine . My hands went around his back and I gently tugged his hair free of the ponytail, burying my hands in its silky warmth while our tongues met and played. I let out a little groan when he pulled me against him and slowly ground my hips into his. Breaking away, I grinned through the haze of desire growing between us.

“Oh, I like this.”

I knew we had to get out of here before the sherriff’s deputy made the nightly rounds, checking to make sure the bars were closed on time. I knew this wasn’t the time or place for it; but Louis was so fucking irresistible to me, I couldn’t stop. Throwing my knee up on the edge of the pool table, I pressed him back until he was lying flat against the green felt, with the Budweiser table lamp spotlighting his face, his hair fanning out and pooling around his shoulders. He smiled up at me and my breath caught in my throat. Our eyes held. God, I loved him so much. He was amazing. I shifted my weight to my good arm, hand braced behind his head, and our mouths locked while his hand slid up over my ass and squeezed my cheek.

“I fucking knew it.”

My knees went weak as the shock whipped through me. My heart pounded with surprise. Quickly Louis and I scrambled up and I faced who was standing behind me– thank God. It was Nick; his arms were crossed and he was standing there in his good old boy cowboy boots, scowling at us with his face as dark as a thundercloud.

“I knew you two were fucking,” Nick repeated with angry triumph. “I could just tell.”

The startled thumping of my heart had receded, and while Louis looked between us with amused curiosity, I suddenly smiled. Reaching out, I grabbed Nick and put my arm around his neck, pulling him in close; and with my other arm hooked over Louis’ shoulder, I leaned over and kissed Nick’s sweet, pouty lips, sliding my tongue into his mouth. He didn’t respond, but he didn’t stop me. I could feel Louis’ erection kicking against my leg so I knew he was okay with this. More than okay. When I drew back my eyes met Louis’ and a look passed between us, a question and an answer, before I met his open mouth with my tongue, sharing the taste of Nick’s saliva with him.

“So Nick,” I said softly when I pulled away from Louis, the three of us very close, with me the link in the chain. His green eyes were searing between Louis’ and my faces, instinctively catching our drift, the way an animal senses meaning from the tone of its master’s voice. “Maybe Louis and I could come over to your place and have a few drinks, maybe a little smoke?”

“Sure,” Nick said in his oddly toneless voice. “If you can give me a ride.”

“I need to lock up still.”

Louis stood up from the edge of the pool table and pulled his keys out of his jacket pocket. “I’ll give you a ride Nick, Sean can meet us over there. You’ll have to show me where you live.” He looked at me for approval and I nodded.

“See you there in a few minutes.”

It was my birthday, but this gift was for Louis. I wanted to rock his world like nothing he’d ever known before. The exhibitionist thing didn’t give me the same charge it did him, but I’d been looking out for the opportunity to set it up for him ever since he’d told me about it. And Nick– he liked to watch. He’d told me so the first night we got together after drinking at the Goose. He was the perfect third party in this little game. Drunk, horny, a little kinky, up for anything, with no pesky hangups to get in the way.

The Jeep was in front of Nick’s trailer when I pulled up. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and walked in, with no real idea of what to expect from here on out. Uncharted territory. They were sitting at opposite ends of the couch, passing a joint. While Louis got me a beer out of the fridge, Nick handed me the fatty and I dropped down in the middle as I inhaled it into my lungs, holding my breath.

“Damn, that’s good,” I breathed out, coughing a little. Louis and I smiled at each other while Nick kind of sat quietly, observing us. I wondered what they’d been talking about before I got there. “Well,” I announced glumly as I slumped back against the green velour couch between them, “I’m not twenty anymore.”

“No, you’re better.” Louis reached out and ran his hand through my blonde hair, picturing it the way it used to be. “I always hated it black. Glad you’re back to natural.”

“Yeah, baby. All natural.” I wiggled lower so my jeans came off my hips and showed the blonde hair on my stomach, disappearing into the waist of my boxers just barely visible. I was wearing my brother’s jeans; he outweighed me by about 10 pounds and so the jeans sat low on my hips, faded and comfortable, sexy. Louis’ finger lazily ran across the exposed skin, into my belly button, and I shivered as his fingers raked gently through the hair right where it spread out into my groin.

Having Nick sitting there was almost like undressing in front of the family pet. His eyes moved back and forth between us, but he didn’t say anything unless we spoke to him directly. Louis and I almost forgot he was there. He had turned the TV to his favorite satellite station, the softcore porn channel. I watched Louis’ face for a reaction when the obligatory scantily clad blonde with big tits came on the screen; he didn’t show any interest until a cute blonde delivery guy knocked at her door in brown shorts.

“Shit!” Louis’ face lit up. “He looks just like you.”

“He really does,” Nick echoed with his eyes glued to the screen.

With some interest the three of us watched the TV. This was cable, so there was no penetration shown; it was mainly back views, ass cheeks, and lots of tit shots. Just enough to whet your appetite for the real stuff.

“I want to see some dick,” I complained, shifting around on the couch cushion. Louis’ hand was resting on my thigh and he gave it a little squeeze, smiling when he noticed the bulge in my crotch becoming more obvious.

“We might be able to arrange that.”

Every time I finished a beer he’d gotten up immediately and brought me another one. I was pretty drunk on top of being really, really stoned. What was going to happen was inevitable and I wanted to enjoy it as much as Louis. But at the moment, I had business to take care of. I lurched a little unsteadily as I got to my feet.

“I need to pee.”

All the sudden I felt Louis’ hand close around my arm. “Do you now,” he said in a low, husky voice that shot up my back and made my nipples hard. “How bad?”

“Really bad.”

Louis knew me. He knew I routinely waited to go to the bathroom until the very last minute, holding it until it hurt. Part of this was laziness; but he knew I really did it because that slight pain and pressure turned me on. So when he took this moment to make his move, he knew exactly what point I was at; he knew that I couldn’t wait much longer.

His hand loosened and I headed down the hallway to Nick’s bathroom, but before I got the door closed, all the sudden Nick and Louis were there with me. I didn’t know what was happening. Before I could figure it out Louis was behind me and his arms wrapped around me so that he was holding my arms up against my chest, not hard, but tight enough that I couldn’t immediately break away. I could have gotten free if I’d tried, but I was so confused it didn’t occur to me to even struggle. Especially not when I felt his rock-hard cock pressing into me from behind.

“What are you doing?” I whimpered, very childlike– helpless against my instant, pounding erection. In the background Nick waited curiously, watching.

“You want this,” Louis said softly in my ear. “You need it. But I know you can’t let yourself do it; you’ve got too much shame built up. So I’m just going to have to make you.”

“Oh God.” My heart started to thump in my chest with a wild mixture of panic and excitement. “I can’t, Louis. No way.”

“Yes you can. You have to, because I’m not letting you go until you do.”

I couldn’t breathe and it had nothing to do with his arms around my chest. I let out a moan. I knew Nick was there but I didn’t care anymore. “Jesus,” I panted. “Louis, there’s just no way I can do it. You just don’t know…” Closing my eyes, I admitted everything: “I used to wet my bed, Louis. Like a lot longer than most kids, until about the sixth grade…”

“I know,” he said calmly.

“What?” I gasped. My knees buckled and he held me up.

“I’ve always known. Don’t you remember how often I spent the night at your house? You were a kid. It’s time to get over that now. ”

I couldn’t believe how nonchalant he was about what amounted to my deepest, most horrifying secret. Of all the things I kept secret this was the one I had absolutely never told a living soul. In about a minute I was going to start crying; I had to piss so bad I thought I was going to explode, and yet my dick was hard, harder than it had ever been in my whole life.

“Oh, fuck,” I choked, almost sobbing with a strange mixture of pain, need and secret, shamed excitement. “Louis, please…”

“Please what?” His voice was soothing in my ear. “It’s okay, baby.”

“My shoes,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I was powerless to stop this, and in the deepest part of my psyche I loved it. Not powerless because of Louis holding my arms, but because of myself. I was on a runaway locomotive here. He was right. I needed this more than I’d ever needed anything. “They cost a lot of money.”

“Nick, take his shoes off.”

They’d planned this. That much was obvious even in my current state. Nick came around to my front and sat down on the edge of the tub, pulling off my Birkenstock suede ankle boots; and then he lifted his hand and gently ran it over the hard ridge in my jeans. Oh yes. They had this all figured out before I even got here. Fucking Louis Welch. Three weeks ago he’d never even touched a man, but not for one second was he innocent. From that first electric touch, despite his inexperience he led and I followed. I used to think he was just a shiftless hippie, but I knew now that his long hair and laid-back attitude hid a resolve as vast and deep as an ocean. Animals felt it. People felt it. He was a force to be reckoned with. Instead of the mellow dope head I thought I knew all these years, I had discovered the truth about Louis that even he didn’t realize himself. He was a sexual powerhouse. He made my world tremble.

“Come on,” Louis breathed in my ear. “Let it go, Sean. You don’t have any choice anymore, do you. You know you need it. It’s okay, just let it go, it’ll feel so good…”

“Fuck,” I whispered, whimpering like a baby. I never really decided to do it; it just happened. One minute I was standing there hurting like I was going explode and then it was just happening, Jesus Christ I was pissing all over myself, the warm wetness was pouring out of my hard aching dick, blooming and spreading in a dark stain on the pale denim of my brother’s jeans, flooding down my leg to pool in a wet, shameful puddle on the drab tile of Nick’s bathroom floor. Oh shit, oh fuck it felt so fucking good, so good and so bad all at the same time, I was almost crying, the heat of the piss, the smell, the relief and the intense excitement and the shame of peeing my pants. Dimly I was aware of the other two; Louis stood there holding me, whispering in my ear words I didn’t hear, and Nick sat on the edge of the bathtub watching the whole thing with a faintly surprised look on his face. But really, they were hardly even a part of this. It was all about me facing my dark side, struggling with my inhibitions. What I could never let myself do, no matter how bad I wanted to, I was doing. Oh God, oh God. It was done.

A strange sound came out of my throat, a little whimpering moan, and I was panting like a dog. My heart thumped in my ears. If Louis hadn’t been holding me up I would’ve fallen down. I was beyond arousal; I was at the edge of orgasm. When I tugged my arm to free it, Louis let it go, but he caught it again when I reached down to give myself the little push I needed to go all the way.

“Oh no, not this time, baby.”

He held on to me for a few moments until I’d calmed down enough to straighten up, look over my shoulder at him, and laugh slightly. The smell of piss, while not strong, was apparent. Then he let me go and reached around my waist to unbutton the wet jeans. Nick peeled them off me and threw them into the tub along with my soaked underwear and socks.

“Was that my birthday present?”

“One of them,” Louis answered with a lazy grin. “Nick, do you have a towel.”

Nick sat down on the toilet seat and watched Louis and me as Louis cleaned me up with the damp towel, peeling my shirt off; he was still dressed but it didn’t take long for me to fix that. Like I said, I almost forgot Nick was there; but Louis was very aware of him. He kept opening his eyes, glancing out of the corner of them with a very intent look on his face. I wondered if he wanted to sample Nick himself. I was so far gone with lust, as well as being drunk and very stoned, that I didn’t have a crystal clear grasp of what was happening. Before I knew it we were all in Nick’s bedroom and Louis and I rolled into his king-sized bed, groping and tasting each other greedily. Opening my eyes, I looked past Louis’ shoulder as Nick flipped on the light and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning close to us.

I reached out and ran my hand down his chest, catching on the hem of his shirt. “Hey Nick,” I said hoarsely. “Wanna take this off?”

He didn’t say a word, but his eyes burned into mine as he stripped off his clothes. I had no idea if his joining in was part of Louis’ agenda; I glanced at him, but he was staring at Nick. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little threatened. Nick had a gorgeous, whipcord body with defined six-pack abs and not an ounce of fat, all graced by an absolutely beautiful penis that stood straight up against his lower belly and demanded acknowledgement. I was the only man Louis had ever been with; as much as I wanted to keep it that way, I couldn’t deny him the experience that was before him now. I’d done a couple of threesomes before. I knew how to share.

“Is this okay?” I whispered to Louis.

He shot me that quick grin of his. “I dunno, is it?”

Nick was pausing on his knees above us like he wasn’t sure what to do. I pulled him down and kissed him while Louis watched intently. They skirted each other at first. Usually one person is the focus of a three-way, and since it was my birthday I got to be the meat in the sandwich, so to speak. Also, they weren’t sure of each other but they were both familiar with me, and so I was on my side with one of them facing me and the other behind me, touching me all over, hands and hot mouths, hard flesh and sweat-slick skin everywhere. Oh God. I twisted in their teasing, tortured with pleasure.

Louis got to his knees and reached over me to run his hand over Nick’s hot body.

That’s when something weird happened to me: my gut filled with a horrible churning. One of the things I liked most about myself was that I was never, ever jealous. Jealousy made me sick. I hadn’t felt this way… in so long I could barely remember. Wait, that was a lie, I remembered it clearly, the gnawing feeling I got when Bryan Mitchell talked to anyone but me. I’d killed that part of myself. But it wasn’t because I wasn’t a jealous person; it was just, until now, I didn’t care enough about anyone to ever be jealous. I made sure of it. Well, dammit, I didn’t want to share. I didn’t like seeing them together, I didn’t like it one bit.

When my words died out, I stood and walked towards the door. I didn”t look back, I couldn”t. I was reaching for the door when his voice stopped me. I still couldn”t turn around. I shook, knowing I needed to face his condemnation. I was about to be ostracized from the one place I had found peaceful. My hands were trembling while I tried to wipe away the tears. I couldn”t hide behind their blurry tracks. I turned to face Paul. There were tears in his eyes and when I looked at him, I watched one of them fall, slowly tracing the contours of his face. That sight hurt more than anything else I have ever seen. I couldn”t bear to know that I caused him pain; because I really did love him. Even though I didn”t deserve it and it was impossible, it didn”t stop me from loving him.

I watched as Paul stood and walked slowly towards me. I braced myself, knowing I had no recourse but to let him do what he will. But I was shocked when he hugged me. He wrapped his arms around me and rocked me slightly. His extra three inches in height put my nose right at his throat. The gentle, tender gesture had me break down and cry again. It had been so long since anyone had touched me. I clung to him and cried some more. Some way, some how, Paul didn”t hate me. He may not want to ever see me again, but he was kind enough to offer me comfort. When I was cried out, Paul pulled me away from him and looked in my eyes. He had cried too. His green eyes were brighter and his lashes were spiked from the tears. I gathered my courage, enough to speak.

“You don”t hate me?”

His smile was warm and full of so much emotion, many of which I couldn”t name. “No. I hate what you did. I hate the circumstances that led you to do it. But I don”t hate you. I couldn”t.”

Paul led me down the hall to a bathroom so I could wash up a little. My eyes were puffy and my nose was all red, but I felt better. Not perfect, but a little less alone, a little less wretched. When I left the bathroom, I smiled shyly at Paul and he walked me to the door of the church. He stood and watched as I crossed the street to my boarding house. I waved at him before I went inside. I lay down on my bed, and stared at the ceiling for a while. The next thing I knew, it was morning. I had slept the night through again.

I felt different. Not bad and not necessarily good, just different. I wasn”t as jumpy that day at work. My boss noticed the difference. He told me that he had had his doubts about hiring me, but he was now glad he had. He told me to take Friday off and enjoy the three-day weekend. As I walked home from work, I decided to go see Paul again. When I got to the church, I headed for the vestibule like always. I sat down and waited. I was there at the usual time, but Paul didn”t show up. I waited for a good twenty minutes and was worried about him. I thought about seeking out one of the other priests and asking about him, but I saw no one and left. I felt kind of lost. I crossed the street and trudged up the stairs to my room. There was a man standing outside my door. He was wearing scuffed, lace-up boots, well-worn, faded jeans and a v-neck shirt. He had a leather jacket hooked on a finger over one arm. He was facing away from me. His legs were encased in that soft denim so invitingly. His muscular, broad chest was showcased to perfection by the soft white cotton. He was tall; his hair was dark. From the light outside the window, I could tell there was a wealth of hair pouring from the V in his shirt. Then he turned towards me. I almost fell down. Paul!

“Hello, Jason.”

“Paul? What are you doing here?”

He smiled that same, bone-melting smile at me. “I am taking the weekend away to make a few decisions. I”m going to spend it in my grandfather”s house. I was wondering if you wanted to join me?”

That kind of stopped me. Join him? It was going to be a form of torture. I thought he was handsome in his priest uniform. How would I resist him looking like this? My heart beat a little faster and I felt myself thickening at the sight of him as he shifted his feet, emphasizing a decent bulge in the faded denim. But he”s a priest. It doesn”t mean anything. I agreed. I went inside and grabbed a few items and we set off in my car. We drove out of Portland to the east. We ended up outside of Troutdale, just twenty minutes away. We pulled up in front of a little house. I asked if his grandfather would mind a guest. Paul laughed and told me that the house was his, left to him by his grandfather. I was embarrassed, but he laughed it off. We unloaded the bags and a few groceries, went inside and ordered a pizza. We sat in the living room and ate and talked and had a really good time. We didn”t talk about the last night at the church.

After a couple of hours, we were both yawning. So he showed me to my room and then where to find towels. I took a shower and went to bed. Prison got me used to sleeping in my underwear and a t-shirt. But living on my own the last few months, I slept in the nude. I saw no reason not to do the same here. I drifted off to sleep. A few hours later I was enmeshed in a nightmare. I couldn”t wake up. I was in the gym again, but this time I was cutting up my boss. I cried out and was wrapped immediately in Paul”s arms. I guess he had heard me crying out and came to make sure I was okay. I shook hard and grabbed hold of him. I didn”t cry, but I was shaken from my dream. He stroked my back and I soon calmed, only to become aware that Paul wasn”t wearing a shirt. I became aware of how good he smelled. My face was pillowed on his chest and it was covered in a mass of soft, downy hair. It was so thick; I couldn”t see the skin underneath. I felt the muscular planes of his back under my fingers. Each breath he took rubbed more and more of his hairy front against me. I got hard, real hard. I pulled away. There was moonlight pouring in from the window. I saw all of Paul. He was naked and just as hard as I. I was shaking again, but this time from arousal. I looked in his eyes and they were just as hungry looking as I felt. Before I could think about it, I kissed him. His lips met mine slowly, tentatively. If he had met my hunger with hunger I might have not thought, but his response was so much slower than mine. Then I remembered that he was a priest. I pulled away and hid my face, because now I was about as unredeemable as I could get. First I almost killed my best friend, now I tried to corrupt a priest.

“I”m sorry Paul.”

His voice was shaky, but so very kind. “Jason…”

Mortification heated my face, shame tightened in my chest, but neither did anything to dampen my erection. “No, look. I”m sorry. I know you can”t. My god, you”re a priest. I can”t believe I did that. You must think I”m evil.”

“Stop that right now!” His vehemence snapped my attention to his face. “You are not evil. And for your information, there is no collar on me.”

“Yeah, now.”

“No. I haven”t taken my vows yet. There was no white to my collar Jason.” At my confused look, he explained, “Meaning I”m not a priest yet. When I met you, I was wrestling with my vocation. It wasn”t right for me. I was told to take this weekend to make sure that I didn”t want to take vows. When I get back on Monday, I will be released from the church.”

Surprise overrode all other feelings, but deep down, was a small kernel of hope. “You aren”t a priest? You aren”t going to be a priest?”

“No and no. I decided to become a priest because I didn”t want to tell the world that I was gay.” His face became ruddy from embarrassment and his eyes became sheepish. “I come from this big Irish family. Priests are common, gays are not.”

Understanding filled me. How could I not understand? “Oh.”

He chuckled. “I tell you I”ve decided to leave the church because I”ve fallen in love with you and all you can say is, “oh”?”

He loved me? “Wait, you didn”t say that you were in love with me.”

He giggled and looked embarrassed. “Oh. I guess I forgot that part.”

Warmth filled me, hope exploded inside me. “You love me?”

His smile was so warm, so loving. I know understood all I had seen in his eyes. “Very much. With all my heart.”

I was so surprised, so shocked. “But why? How? Knowing what I did?”

He cupped my face with his hand, rubbing his thumb against my cheek. “You”re not the same scared boy anymore Jason. Besides, you need me.” He chuckled. “And I”ll let you in on a little secret: I need you too. Now is the part where you tell me how you feel.”

“Of course I love you. I just didn”t think that this was possible. I didn”t…”

He leaned towards me, brushing his lips against mine. “Good, stop thinking. I want to make love with you.”

That stopped me. I started wringing my hands. What if I hurt Paul too? “Will you tie me up Paul?”

He paused. “Is that something you like?”

“No. I just want you to be safe.” He laughed at me until he realized that I was serious. He looked in my eyes and I saw the tears form. He blinked rapidly, but one escaped, trailing down his cheek.

“Do you trust me Jason?”

“Yes.”

“Do you trust me enough to believe that I trust you?”

I looked away “No.”

He pulled my face back, so I could look in his eyes and see the sincerity in them. “I do. I know you won”t hurt me.”

With that he was kissing me. He lay beside me on the bed and started running his hands over my skin. He scraped my nipples and moved his hand lower and lower until he reached my shaft. He encircled it with his fist and moved on me. His movements were gentle, but clumsy. I stopped his hand and turned to face him.

“Have you ever done this before?”

“No.” His look was embarrassed and he shrugged. “Am I doing it wrong?”

I chuckled and kissed his brow. “Not at all.” I pulled his face even with my own, looking into his eyes. “Why?”

“I thought if I was going to be a priest, it would be best to never know.”

I kissed him, pulling him into my arms. Paul ran his hands up and down my body, commenting on how strong I was and how toned I was. I explained that there wasn”t much to do in prison, so I had worked on my body. I didn”t have any tattoos; I hadn”t wanted any. I lifted the blankets so we could finally touch along our whole bodies. His body was covered in hair, soft and springy. My body had practically none. It took weeks to grow my goatee. I had a smattering of pubic hair and a little under my arms, but I was mostly hairless. All that hair on him was like extra wood for my fire. It rubbed and scraped against my already sensitive skin. It was heaven.

As we kissed and moved our hands over the other, I stayed on my back, pulling Paul on top of me. I let him move and let him direct the flow of our lovemaking. I didn”t want to pressure him and I didn”t want him to be afraid of me. I was determined to never again have someone fear me. He lay on top of me, with one thigh wedged between mine. Our cocks lay next to each other, nested in the downy thatch of soft hair on his belly. I felt him instinctively push against me, feeling his thick shaft rub against me, feeling him grind himself into me. I heard his moans and realized that I was adding some of my own. It was wonderful, the sensation of having someone move over me, holding me, rubbing my body with his. He moved faster and faster over me, and I felt myself tingling with impending release. Paul pulled back from kissing my neck so I could look in his eyes. His face was tight with desire. He was so hard and so turned on. His breath was panting. I felt the sensation of his body thickening, he was getting harder and his breath hitched. Then he cried out and I felt a warm flood hit my stomach, flowing around my shaft. I thickened harder and felt myself let go, shattering in ecstasy. Each wave that passed through my cock I called out. My pleasure was so intense, so strong. Then the spasms stopped and I felt Paul collapse against my body. My arms went around him and I cradled his head against my shoulder. We were both trembling. I wanted to hold him forever.

We lay there, his body half on mine. The sex had been phenomenal, beyond anything I had ever known, but the holding afterwards was almost as good. It was sweet and poignant. Neither of us slept, we just held each other; brushing a kiss against whatever body part we could reach without moving too much. This was so much more than I thought. In all my dreams, I never thought that this would be a part of it. I had no idea. Time really had no meaning as we lazed away the time, stroking idly with a hand or a kiss, sated and warm. Eventually we dozed.

I awoke the next morning and stretched big and loud. I heard Paul laugh and turned to him, he was sitting by me on the bed and smiling. He had the sheet draped delicately around his hips, over his lap. He was watching me, and it looked like he had been for a while. I smiled big and reached a hand out to cup his face. I pulled him down and met his lips with a kiss, slow and gentle, almost playful. When we parted, we were both grinning.

“Did we do everything right last night, Jason?”

His innocence, his almost awkwardness, I found very dear. “What do you mean? I thought it was pretty damn right.”

His face blushed and his shoulders shrugged. “I mean we didn”t do anything physical. We just kind of, I don”t know, rubbed against each other.”

“And this is wrong?”

His smile was warm and so sincere. “No. I just thought that you might be used to more.”

So that”s what this was about. I could put him at ease real quick. “I”m not used to anything. Last night wasn”t my first time, but it was my second.”

His face lit up with delight. “So you have no idea either?”

I chuckled, low and throaty. “Oh I have ideas. But no practical knowledge.”

With that he grinned and told me he was glad we would be learning together. Put that way, I was glad too. I”m glad I didn”t take the easy lay in prison and really glad I fought off the rapists. I pulled him down to me and started kissing him again. We rolled against each other for a few minutes before Paul started kissing down my body. He took one of my nipples in his mouth and played and explored for a few minutes. Then he moved lower. I started to panic. This is how it had started. I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him up and flipped him over. I moved down his body, moving lower and lower until I could take him into my mouth. I kissed and nibbled, licked and sucked for a long time. I had to catch my breath and fight back a gag when I would push down too far, but I loved having him in my mouth. I loved his taste and the texture of all that soft skin against my tongue. I wrapped my tongue right under his crown and kept swirling it around him. I felt Paul”s deep moans as I worked harder and harder against him. I felt him thicken and cry out as he pulsed into my mouth and down my throat. I tasted and swallowed every thick, creamy drop of him. I tasted him and loved each moment. I pulled up and looked in his eyes. He had a dreamy, sated look and a silly grin on his face. I couldn”t stop myself from kissing him, sharing his flavor with him. He met my kiss and wrapped his legs around me, pulling me against him, adjusting his body, encasing my hips between his thighs. My hard cock rested in his crack, the head rubbing and dripping against his entrance. I was twitching and trembling from my leashed desire.

Paul kept pushing against me, twitching his ring and inviting me inside. I forced myself to go slow. I pushed against him in slow, gentle pulses. I would push and stretch him, but barely enter. Then I would go forward a millimeter or two each subsequent push. When I breached him and his ring clamped on to the underside of my flared crown, I waited, watching his face, looking for signs that he wanted to stop. I saw none and within seconds, he relaxed and moved his hands down to my ass and pulled me deeper. In mere moments I was deeply imbedded to the hilt. I waited again, feeling him stretch and adjust to my invasion. The slight movement of his inner body was almost my undoing. Feeling that warm, slick channel adjust to me was more sensation than I had ever known. I was so close to tripping over the edge, but I took several deep breaths until I calmed. Then I moved.

I glided back and forth over his body, feeling Paul”s legs clamp me, helping me rock into him further, harder, deeper. I felt sweat start to sheen on my body and watched as it beaded on his forehead. I moved down and kissed him, long and hard, feeling all the hair on his chest graze against me. I felt him hard and steely, wedged between our bellies. He was wet and sticky and I could feel him twitch each time I drove hard and deep. This was too much; I was building way too fast. I felt the hard tingles up and down my spine, letting me know it was almost over. I felt my belly tighten, my testicles raise, my cock get harder and thicker. Then the first pulse sent my essence deep into him while I called out my pleasure, screaming it out. Five, six, seven heavy spasms shook my body, propelling my semen out of my body, coating the inside of my love, my lover. I collapsed against Paul”s sweaty, heaving chest still buried deep inside. I slowly came to, my senses returning and felt something hot and sticky coating my stomach, grateful that he had found release too. I looked up into Paul”s eyes and saw the same wonder I felt reflected there. He kissed my forehead and then tilted his head back and laughed. It was infectious and I joined him. When the laughter faded, I was hard again. So was Paul. This time I moved faster, more sure of myself. He gripped me harder, matching my undulations, moving with me. It was over quickly, both of us shuddering hard in completion.

We got up and showered together. I felt myself loosening up, relaxing. I always felt comfortable around Paul, but this was as if I was finding peace within myself. Perhaps actually making love with someone, professing my love and having it returned was what I needed. With that undying support you can only get from your soul mate, your love, do you find peace. We ransacked the kitchen, feeding our hungry bodies, building up energy for what we knew would come. We stopped our exploration from time to time, to eat, to sleep, to shower, and sometimes to just hold on, letting the emotions ride us, knowing that we were loved and supported and safe in the other”s arms.

Since the commute wasn”t that bad, we decided to live in his grandfather”s house. He got a job with the state”s child protective services and worked in the office in Portland. He would get discouraged from time to time, but more often than not, felt that he made a difference. He sure did in my life. After a few months, it was as if the past didn”t matter anymore. The nightmares came less and less each day. I was in love. I had someone to hold, to touch. We were insatiable. Each morning and several times each evening we would come together, coupling our bodies, hot and hungry. Pushing us over the edge into ecstasy. I couldn”t get enough and when he had a cold, I held him while he coughed and sniffled, tucked him into my arms and never let go, holding my raging lust for him at bay. But the moment he felt better, I was on him, holding his hips hard while I drove into him, pounding faster and harder, feeling him cum once, twice, three times before I let go and followed him over the edge.

It was almost a year after we got together before I would let him take me in his mouth. I could let him fuck me for hours on end. I could suck him until he came ten times without stopping. The idea of him taking me in his mouth had me scared, but I let him one night, when he told me how important it was to him. He moved so gently on me. He took such care of me, nipping and nibbling with his lips, wrapping me with his hot, wet tongue, wringing pleasure from me. It took scant minutes before I was shuddering and melting against his tongue. I was shaking from it. I had never known such intense feeling, both physical and emotional before. I started to cry, knowing I was a fool, equating a simple act of love with my loss of control. Paul held me and rocked with me, not knowing why I was so upset. I explained it all to him, letting him know that I knew why I did to Simon what I did.