Sex in the Sky

TEN: SATURDAY, SAN FRANCISCO AND TEXAS

There was little conversation between Boyd and Jon as they sped down the freeway out of the city and toward the airport. At one point Jon felt the other man’s hand cover his own. He looked up, but Boyd’s eyes were on the road.

After Jon had checked in they paused in front of the security gate.

“Boyd, thank you for everything.”

“My pleasure.”

Jon looked down at his feet. “I owe you an apology for what I said regarding your relationship with Matt. I’ve no right to judge you or anyone.”

Boyd grasped his shoulder. “Don’t sweat it. I said things I hope you’ll forget too.”

“There’s just one more thing I’d like you to do for me.”

“Name it.”

He forced the tears back. “I never told Matt I loved him. I probably won’t get another chance. Would you tell him for me?”

“I’m sure he knows. But I will.”

“You’ll keep me informed of…” Jon could not finish the sentence.

Boyd nodded. “We’ll stay in touch, you can count on it.” He stepped forward and hugged Jon, a prolonged, warm embrace. “Take care. Safe journeys.”

The plane was not full and Jon was by himself in a window seat, for which he was grateful. Try as he might he could not control his tears when he thought of the week just past and of Matt, fighting his last battle. He read the airline magazine cover to cover, not comprehending a word, then leaned back and closed his eyes, longing for oblivion that would not come.

By the time the plane landed at the Austin-Bergstrom Airport Jon was exhausted. Walking up the jetway with other passengers took all his strength. How would he react when he finally saw Kevin again? Jon found himself simultaneously wanting and dreading the sight of him.

He reached the general exit from the secured area, and saw a familiar head of straight blond hair. Kevin had not seen him yet–he was leaning on the railing, his back turned, engaged in conversation with a companion. Happy recognition clouded as he saw the closeness of the two men’s heads, the air of confidence between them. After a moment he recognized the other man as Ward.

Just at that moment Ward caught sight of him. He lifted his hand in a friendly wave. Kevin looked up. Was he imagining things, or was his expression less than welcoming?

Whatever his doubts, the hug from his partner brought Jon’s tears rising again. Kevin looked concerned. “You look beat. Are you okay, Jon?”

He shrugged. “Oh, sure. I’m okay. I said goodbye this morning to someone I’ll never see again, but I’m okay.”

Kevin’s face remained grave and sympathetic. “Let’s get you home.”

Jon saw Ward looking at him, his expression likewise solicitous. “And what are you doing here?” The question came out more sharply than he had intended. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s okay, Jon. Actually, I’m about to take off.” He saw that Ward was holding a carry-on bag. “Back to where you just came from. My plane leaves in a couple of hours.”

He stepped forward and put a hand on Jon’s shoulder. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to visit more, Jon. And I’m sorry about Matt.”

Jon nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He watched as Ward shook hands with, then embraced Kevin. The intimacy of the stance he’d seen them in moments before nagged at him. He listened to their parting words but picked up no clue from their ordinary sentences.

“Thanks for everything, Kevin. See you soon?”

“Safe journey, Ward. Take care.”

“Bye, Jon.” He walked off toward the line of passengers waiting to pass through the checkpoint.

Jon felt Kevin’s hand on his arm. “Let’s get your bags and go home.”

After Matt’s small, neat townhouse, packed with the possessions of a lifetime, his own residence seemed cavernous and wasteful. Kevin followed him into their bedroom. As Jon put down the bag he was carrying he felt his partner’s arms encircle him from behind.

“I’m glad you’re back.” He laid his head on Jon’s shoulder. “I was thinking we’d go out to dinner. How about Chambord? It’s your favorite. We haven’t been there in a long time.”

“Sure.” Instead of calming him, Kevin’s affection increased Jon’s uneasiness. He knew, though, that if he forced the issue he would be powerless to limit the discussion. Was he prepared to reveal his own inner demons?

He debated the question to himself all through dinner. Kevin appeared not to notice anything amiss and chatted with animation about events that had happened in his absence.

“Did you and Ward patch things up?”

“What?” Kevin blinked.

“I was worried about you two. You didn’t seem to be getting along for some reason.”

“Oh, that. It was nothing, we’re fine now.”

He waited for some further explanation but Kevin changed the subject.

Back home he went into the bedroom to unpack his things. Jon had brought an extra tube of toothpaste and other toilet articles on the trip. He decided to put them in the guest bathroom, off the bedroom Ward had vacated that morning.

He took up the used towels off the rack to wash them and opened the medicine cabinet. It was empty save for one object.

On the second shelf from the bottom lay a plain golden ring, much too large to be jewelry. For an instant Jon’s mind went blank, then a burning flush spread over his face, ears and neck.

Without conscious thought he picked it up, turned it over and noted the one small notch that identified it. In a daze, he put in his pocket and walked toward the study where he knew Kevin was working.

Kevin looked up from the computer as Jon entered the room. Without speaking he took the cock ring out of his pocket and tossed it onto the desk. It hit with a metallic clang and bounced onto the computer keyboard. The monitor quacked in protest as it landed on several random keys.

He looked at Kevin. His face was pale.

“Where did you find that?”

“What was Ward doing with it?”

Kevin hesitated, then spoke. “I didn’t tell you what I found out. Ward’s a part-time hustler. That explains his body, and how he can take these trips when he doesn’t have a full-time job.”

“So what? He forgot his cock ring at home, so you lent him ours to take on his outcalls? Don’t bullshit me, Kevin.”

“Okay. He and I… had sex. Once.”

“Oh Christ.” Jon’s hand went to his forehead.

Kevin extended a hand as if to appease him. “It just happened. I thought we said it was okay to play once in a while.”

“Maybe we did, but Jesus, Kevin! Ward’s our friend. And in our house.”

“He… wanted to. I couldn’t say no.”

“You’re not an altar boy. You’re a grown man. I thought you had some self-control, not to mention respect for us.”

Defiance rose in Kevin’s eyes. “Respect? Running off to see an old boyfriend just when things were finally good between us. That’s respect.”

Jon’s jaw tightened. “Leave Matt out of this.”

“Because he’s got AIDS? You’ve always put him first.”

“That’s not true.”

“You can’t even see it. You don’t see lots of things that are staring you in the face.”

“Like what?”

He saw a momentary flicker in Kevin’s face, then his expression hardened once more. “Ward. He didn’t come back here to see you, he came to see me.”

Jon caught himself, confused. “What do you mean? You guys were never really serious.”

Kevin lowered his eyes. “Ward was in love with me in California. He was furious when I left.”

His voice became soft and Jon strained to hear his words. “I had feelings for him too.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I don’t know. You wrote me and told me you loved me, and you wanted me to come back. You made me see that Ward wasn’t who I wanted to spend my life with. But you can’t just turn off feelings, Jon. Even after eight years.”

Jon felt as if he might suffocate. He had been deceived all along, not only by the man he had lived with for eight years but another man he had loved, and thought of as a friend.

He began to pace around the study, the word drumming in his head. Deceived.

“Jon, please say something.”

He turned and looked into Kevin’s anxious face. He was surprised at his ability to keep his voice calm and controlled. “You’re right. I did put Matt first this week. So you fucked your old boyfriend? So did I.”

His partner’s face went white with shock. Somewhere inside Jon heard a small voice warning him not to cross the final line. He ignored it.

“Matt has a buddy from the Shanti Project. You’d like Boyd, he’s hot. The three of us had quite a party the night before I left.”

Tears welled in Kevin’s eyes. Without a word he rushed from the study. A moment later Jon heard a door slam. He had gone into the guest apartment.

His stomach churned as sick despair overwhelmed him. What had he done?

Aware that it was hopeless, he went down the hall and tried the door, then rattled it and pounded on the wood. “Kevin? I’m sorry. Please open the door.”

Long after he knew Kevin would not answer he begged and pleaded, then gave up and went to their bedroom. In the dark silence he collapsed onto the bed fully clothed. Some hours later sleep finally overtook him.

ELEVEN: SUNDAY, TEXAS

His first thought when he woke was to find Kevin. The door to the guest bedroom stood open. It was empty. So was the rest of the house. Nothing was missing except Kevin’s laptop, which he had been working on in the study.

Jon went through his routines that day in a mindless daze, hoping that his partner would return, afraid to face him, haunted by that stricken face he had seen last night.

He called Kevin’s university office number several times. There was no answer and Kevin didn’t call back. E-mails he sent to Kevin’s university address produced no reply.

He forced himself to eat though he had no appetite, tried and failed to prepare his classes that would resume the next day, tried to watch television but could not sit still. The only activity that relieved him for a while was working out. There was no trace of his partner when he came home from the gym.

He sat in the living room late that evening, having given up trying to do anything, yet knowing he would not sleep if he went to bed. He jumped as the cordless phone on the table by him rang, then grabbed it, filled with desperate hope.

“Jon?” It was not Kevin’s voice.

“Who is this?”

“Sorry. This is Rolf. I’m a friend of Kevin’s. He asked me to call you.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Yes. He’s over here, with Cary and me.” Jon recalled who Rolf was. He and his lover were buddies of Kevin from the University. He had met them once, briefly.

“Could I talk to him?”

A pause on the other end. “He doesn’t want to talk to you. He’s going to stay here awhile. He asked me to come over to your place and pick up some of his things. That’s why I’m calling.”

His heart sank. Kevin was determined to stay away. Perhaps he was never coming back. He forced the thought from his mind.

“So could I come by?”

With a start Jon realized he was still on the phone. “Yes. Rolf, please–. Never mind. If he won’t come to the phone, could you give him a message at least. Tell him I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

“Okay.” A pause, then Rolf spoke, his tone harder. “Look, Kevin hasn’t told us exactly what happened. But judging from the way he is right now, sorry doesn’t begin to cover it. I’ll be over in half an hour.” He cut the connection. Jon sat in the darkening room holding the dead receiver, staring into space.

TWELVE: LATER THAT WEEK, TEXAS

“Hello, Jon.”

It was a woman’s voice. He looked up, surprised, from his desk. Time was crawling by during his office hours this week. As usual, they had passed with hardly any students wanting to see him. His visitor now was not a student.

“Mary, how nice to see you. Come in.”

Mary Lewis hesitated, then accepted his invitation.

“Have a seat.”

“I can’t stay long. I’m here to discuss business with Elden.”

“Sounds kind of formal.”

“It is.” She lowered herself into a nearby chair. “We’re seeing a lawyer tomorrow to draw up a separation agreement.”

“What?” Jon wasn’t sure he had heard her correctly.

Mary nodded. “I’ve already moved out of the house.” She smiled, her eyes not meeting his. “Probably more than you want to know. I’m sure it’s more than Elden wants you to know.”

“But, Mary, why–” Jon stopped, embarrassed.

“It’s all right. I decided I’ve put up with his ego long enough. I’m sick of having no friends because of his arrogance. I’m sick of the way he treats people. Like you when you were nice enough to invite us to your promotion party.”

“Mary, are you sure? After, what it is it, thirty years?”

“Thirty-two.” She nodded. “I’m scared to death. But I’m also excited. Sometimes you’ve just got to get yourself out of an unbearable situation.”

Jon sat silent, wondering whether Kevin was thinking similar thoughts.

Mary rose. “I’ve got to go. If I miss his office hours he won’t see me.” She laughed, as if realizing the absurdity of the situation anew.

At Jon’s door she paused, then spoke again. “Thank you again for inviting us to your home, Jon. And say hello to that nice young man of yours.”

Jon forced himself to smile.

It was well after dark when he began to walk home from campus. He had eaten dinner at the Steelman cafeteria, as he had done most of that week. Coming home to an empty house was something he wanted to postpone as long as he could.

Some distance down the street from the house he stopped in his tracks. Kevin’s car was in the driveway. Jon was filled with mingled joy and apprehension. The house itself was dark and silent and he saw no sign of activity. After a moment, he walked forward, determination in his steps.

When he tried the front door it was unlocked. “Kevin?” he called as soon as he was inside. No answer. Jon walked through the house, flipping on light switches.

He opened the kitchen door and looked out at the pool. In the semidarkness he saw a shadowy figure in one of the deck chairs on the near side, back turned.

“Kevin!”

For a moment there was no response, then whoever it was stirred and picked up a glass on the metal table next to the chair. Jon heard the faint clink of ice cubes.

“I came here to pick up some more stuff,” Kevin said.

His heart was pounding, but Jon forced himself to sound calm. “How long have you been here?” He walked forward until he was standing by the chair in which Kevin was stretched out. His partner stared at the still water.

“A couple of hours. I haven’t made much progress.”

Jon concentrated on keeping his voice steady. “Maybe that means you don’t want to leave.”

Kevin looked up at him. His eyes caught the light. Usually they were a dead giveaway, but Jon found he could not read their expression.

“Why the hell should I stay?”

“I don’t know a reason in the world why you should. Except I’ll miss you.”

“The way you missed me at Matt’s?”

Pain stabbed his heart at the thought of the harsh words he had hurled. “I shouldn’t have told you that way. I’m sorry.”

Kevin turned back toward the pool. “Doesn’t matter. None of it matters.”

Jon felt desperate. He had to break through this leaden wall Kevin was building around himself. “Kevin, what we have matters.”

A mirthless chuckle. “Sure doesn’t seem like it.”

He knelt by the chair, willing Kevin to look at him. “I’ve taken you for granted. I’ve taken us for granted. It’s my fault.”

Kevin shifted his body and sighed. “Don’t take all the blame. I’ve done my part to screw this up.”

“That’s not important. What’s important is that you chose me, and I chose you. All the feelings I had for you eight years ago are still here.”

“Funny way of showing it.”

Jon bowed his head. “I know. Give me a chance to do better. Please.”

Kevin sighed again. “I came to start moving out of this place. Instead I’ve been getting drunk and feeling sorry for myself.” He took a swig from his glass. “I try and hate you, but I can’t.”

He felt silent. Jon waited, hardly daring to breathe.

“Okay.” As Jon’s heart gave a leap of joy, he added, “I’ll stay here tonight. If it feels right, I’ll stay here tomorrow night. Any time it stops feeling right, I’m out of here. All right?”

The hard edge in his voice chilled him, but Jon tried to smile. “Fair enough.”

To his surprise Kevin reached out and grasped his shoulder. “I know I’m being a shit. Why don’t you call my bluff? Throw me out?”

Words rose to Jon’s lips. Because I love you. Because Matt will soon be dead and I’ll be all alone, except for you. He said none of these things. Instead he forced a smile and took Kevin’s hand.

“You know I’m not going to do that. Let’s go inside.”

THIRTEEN: LATE APRIL, TEXAS

When the phone call came it was early evening. The caller ID displayed Matt’s number after two rings. Jon picked up the phone in the kitchen, his heart in his throat.

“Jon, it’s Boyd.”

“He’s gone, isn’t he?”

“Yes. About four o’clock this morning. It was very peaceful. I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner but I knew you’d be teaching today. I didn’t want to leave a message.”

“How are you holding up?”

Boyd’s heavy sigh filled Jon’s ear. “I’d like to just sit down and bawl, but there’s no time. Matt talked about making his will with me and I know he was going to name David as his executor. That’s good. When the other relatives descend, then things will get ugly.”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help.”

“Believe me, you don’t want to be here. Anyway, you already helped. Matt was so happy you came. He was talking about it the day he passed away.”

Jon drew a shaky breath. “Thank you for telling me that.”

“There are plans in the works for a memorial here. Not the official family funeral. I’ll save that for later, though. Take care of yourself, Jon.”

“You too, Boyd.”

He put down the phone and stood, looking straight ahead. Kevin had come into the kitchen and heard the conversation. He touched Jon’s shoulder.

“Jon, I’m sorry.”

Grief, sharp and hot, began to shoot through the numbness that enveloped him. He shook his head.

“It’s for the best.” He stood rigid as Kevin embraced him. His fists clenched, his body shook as he fought to maintain control. He repeated, “It’s for the best,” even as his voice broke and tears began to course down his cheeks.

Kevin stroked his back, uttering soothing sounds, trying to comfort him. But Jon would not put his head on his shoulder.

EPILOGUE: JULY, SAN FRANCISCO

The ride in Boyd’s car down the winding road to Fort Point was quiet. Ward sat in the front next to Boyd, who drove. Jon concentrated on looking out the window at the scenery going by.

He and Kevin sat in the back seat, a mahogany box containing Matt’s ashes between them. Once they would have held hands. In the months since Jon’s return from San Francisco, though, an invisible barrier had kept them apart much of the time. They treated each other like new acquaintances, careful not to tread into still sensitive areas. Dinner conversations were polite and attentive. The same could be said of the few times they had made love.

Right now they were sitting in the same car with the two men who had, intentionally or not, almost destroyed them. He had his doubts about this whole idea. Still, Matt had wanted this–had put it in his will. He had also specifically requested that Kevin be present. Kevin in turn had insisted on inviting Ward. “We can’t come all the way out here and not see him.” Jon conceded that he was right. So far, things had been all right, but tension lurked beneath the surface of their mundane chat. He and Ward had never talked of what had happened while Jon had been away. He didn’t know how much Kevin had told him.

In the driver’s seat, Boyd was talking to Ward.

“You wouldn’t believe the hassle I had to go through to get permission to do this. Permits from the city and from the park. Endless paperwork. In the eyes of the law what we’re doing today is polluting.”

“Well, that makes a kind of sense, I guess.”

I awoke the next morning to the sun shining in my eyes. I looked over at the table by the bed and couldn’t stop the contented grin from spreading across my face. There were four condom wrappers littering the surface. I remembered each and every one of those condoms and what we did to use them. It seemed that every muscle in my legs, hips and lower back had a pleasantly overused feel. I haven’t had a sexual workout like that since, well, never. I turned away from the bedside table, hoping to see Alan still asleep. But his side of the bed was empty. I got up and searched in the bathroom. It too was also empty. I rummaged through my bag and grabbed some clean clothes and went into the shower. I let the warm water pulse into me as I started to feel some rather heavy insecurities hit me. I got out of the shower and put on my clothes. I sat on the bed, in front of the television, trying not to feel how I was starting to feel. Then Alan walked in. The relief I felt was palpable. He had a smile and a bag filled with coffee and pastries. He had gone out and gotten breakfast. I swallowed a couple of times, feeling foolish for my doubts. But I wanted to know.

“Alan?”

“Yes, Bill?”

“What happened last night wasn’t pity was it?” I know I sounded pathetic and vulnerable. He looked at me and smiled. He walked up to me and cupped my face before kissing me, teasing my mouth with his tongue before deepening the kiss. As it ended, he pulled away and smiled again at me.

“No Bill, it wasn’t pity. What we shared last night had absolutely nothing to do with pity.”

“God! I’m sorry. I know that was pathetic.” I lowered my head only to have him lift my chin.

“Hey, don’t worry. You had a really big blow to your ego. Of course you’re going to be a little unsure. Don’t worry.”

He kissed me again. Which led to more kissing. Which led to touching and undressing and the use of another condom. Then we had to shower. We decided to conserve water and help out the local economy by showering together. We ended up using another condom. By early afternoon, we were able to leave the hotel room and we went to Edison Field and saw an Angels’ game. They just happened to be playing the Seattle Mariners that day so we got to root for the home team. We ate popcorn and hot dogs and drank beer and had a really good time together.

That night, Alan let me explore. He lay back and let me skim my hands and tongue over his body. He passively sat back and let me feel the texture of his underarms, the taste of his nipples, the tautness of his belly. I discovered every freckle, every scar. I tasted and touched every square inch of him from head to toe. After several long minutes, he was panting under me. His body was strung tight with arousal as I took him in my mouth. I moved up and down on him, he cupped my head in his hands, sifting through my hair, coaching me slightly. I felt him thicken and tense against my tongue. I felt him swell and pulse as he shot volley after volley into my mouth while calling out his pleasure. When he returned the favor, I was in awe. No one had ever given so much to me before. The sensations were greater than any other I had experienced. It took scant minutes before I was clenching and spurting into Alan’s warm, talented mouth. We didn’t use any more condoms that night. We just lay in each other’s arms and slept, to regain precious energy that had been expended during the long, passionate night and day just passed.

The next morning, content and sated, we set out for San Diego to meet his brother. Strangely, I was nervous. I kept thinking about what Alan and I had shared this weekend and wondered if I would meet with approval. Not that we were a couple or anything. But I felt like what we had shared this weekend was out of character for Alan. Like I said, in the eighteen months we had been neighbors, I had only known him to have guys over maybe two times, perhaps three. I know he worked a lot and had little free time. During the hour or so drive south I wanted to ask Alan what it was we were doing. I wanted to know if we would be sharing more time together once we got home. But I kept silent about it. The truth is, even though I knew Alan didn’t sleep around that often, I didn’t know what he was looking for. I liked the idea of us spending more time together, but this was so new, so fresh, that I didn’t want reality to intrude too soon.

We met his brother at the shipyards. He was almost an exact copy of Alan. He was a bit shorter and a bit heavier, but the resemblance was uncanny. He also looked like he was about ready to explode. He was tense and I could tell he really needed to get off. He hugged Alan up hard and then told him that he loved him, but if he didn’t get his rocks off, he would end up killing someone. Just then, a young woman ran up and threw herself into his arms. She was dragging him away and he told Alan to call him tomorrow at his apartment. Well that kind of left us with no clue as to what to do for the next few hours. We ended up driving up the coast a little and stopped at a motel. It was a themed motel. You know, each room has a different theme decorated into it. We couldn’t stop ourselves. We pulled in and rented a room, we told them to surprise us. We got a couple of funny looks from the desk clerk, but we got a key and went down the hall to our room. We passed rooms with signs saying jungle or mountain. One was even pirate fantasy based. We got to our room. The sign on the door said it was the honeymoon fantasy. Alan swept me up into his arms and carried me through the door. His gesture had me giggling. But when we saw the room, we both dropped to the floor and started laughing in belly-rolling delight.

The room was a white satin concoction. There was a bathtub for two. The bed was round and draped in satin sheets, comforter and curtains. There was an intimate fireplace in the wall opposite the bed that was gas powered. On the bedside table, there was a basket filled with massage oils, lubricants and condoms in various colors and flavors. It was ridiculous. It was charming. And I couldn’t wait to try it all.

We decided to try the massage oil first. I had Alan lay down naked on the rug before the fire and worked the flowery oil into the skin and muscles of his back. I moved in kneading action from his shoulders to his feet, over and over until his muscles were a mass of relaxed jelly. Then he had me lie down and did the same for me. When my muscles were limp from relaxed ecstasy, Alan rolled me over and we stroked the other with more oil, bringing each other to orgasm amidst scented, slick heaven. I stood him up and we decided to use the bathtub. We crawled in and scrubbed with the heart shaped sponges and bath gel scented the same as the massage oil. I got up and dried him off then he did the same to me. I took his hand and led him to the bed. I pushed him down on his stomach and grabbed one of the sachets of lube and a condom. I took the condom and rolled it down my stiff shaft and tore open the lube with my teeth. I smeared the smooth liquid up and down his hairy cleft. I worked it into him with first one, then two and then three fingers, twisting and thrusting into him, making him ready for me. I pulled away my fingers and moved to lie completely on Alan. I pushed against him and he accepted me. I kept my body firmly planted over his, my legs and chest pressed into his thighs and back, pushing him into the satin. My goal, as I began to thrust, was that his cock would rub into the silky, soft texture of the sheets. I moved within him, thrusting heavily but slowly into his willing flesh. I felt him move with me, squeezing and grasping me, begging me to go deeper, fill him more fully. I loved the feel of all the satiny, warm skin below my chest. I liked the feel of his hands as they gripped mine and how his legs twined with mine as I continued to move, pillowed by the rounded mounds of his muscular ass.

Alan’s cries were a mixture of pleasured whimpers and passionate moans. I felt myself build and tighten, knowing the end was soon approaching. My stomach clenched and my hands pulled, moving tighter to my body, preparing for that explosive, vulnerable moment of absolute pleasure. What amazed me and filled me with pride was feeling Alan start to pull into himself, his body readying itself just as mine was. Then I felt the first groaned shudder leave his body, feeling his inner self grab me, announcing his release. I kept moving, timing my thrusts to match the rhythmic spasms racking his body. The pattern was familiar to my system and it triggered my own release, causing me to clench hard on top of Alan and spurt heavily into the latex surrounding me. My last spasm caused me to push far into him, hitting his trigger again in my last effort to bring him more pleasure. It caused a whimper of delight to leave his mouth before I collapsed completely and sated along the long line of his body.

A few hours later, we roused ourselves and Alan left to get provisions. He returned a half hour later with a couple of cheeseburgers and fries, a large chunk of chocolate cake and a tub of vanilla ice cream and a couple of bottles of champagne. We ate as if we would never see food again. Then we got creative with the ice cream, dribbling and licking it off each other. When the food was polished off and we were both hard and ready for more, I grabbed another condom and rolled it on. But Alan stopped me and asked if this time we could be a little rough. He wanted me to push his legs up to rest on my shoulders and pound in to him, fast and hard. I usually don’t go for the fast and furious, I prefer to be a little slow and plodding, knowing that the payoff is usually better for my partner. But he wanted it. I found myself lying about a foot above him, his thighs keeping me from lowering onto him and kissing him. I had no choice but to just pound into him. I moved fast, pulling out to the flared head then pushing all the way back until our pelvises ground together. I could do nothing but stare in his eyes as I pounded into him, hard and heavy. I was so thick and incredibly hard. I kept pounding down into his ass, watching as ecstasy unfurled on his face. I could tell he was close. I looked down, where our bodies were connected, watching my shaft retreat then enter his hole, over and over again. The sight was incredibly erotic. As I watched, Alan became stiffer and thickened, showing all the signs of impending release. I watched as he tensed, sending a stream of cum all over his chest and chin. I looked up to his chest, his eyes, and watched ecstasy spread over his face. He cried out in agonized moans of pleasure. It was a sound filled with so much joy, it brought my own release crashing down around me. I pulsed and tensed hard into the condom, flexing and twitching deep inside him. We collapsed side by side on the bed, trailing slight touches against our heated, sweaty skin. We drifted off eventually, still touching, still connected with the lightest of caresses.

I awoke several hours later. Alan was wrapped around me, holding me, cuddled up to my whole body. I had learned so much about myself, and my body, in the past few days. I liked cuddling. I liked being held. I loved how varied and passionate all the sex had been. I never knew that the world held such variety. Okay, I know that’s pathetic, but remember, I’m not that experienced. I found myself kissing the top of his head, reveling in the tender gesture. I moved my hand, skimming his back, reaching up to his chin, pulling it up for my kiss. The passion rose quickly in me and I was melding my mouth to his, kissing him awake. And when he met me kiss for kiss, I rolled him over, pushing him onto his back. I stretched over his body, moving between his legs. I felt him hard, digging into my belly. I could feel the hair on his chest rub against mine as I continued to kiss him. I felt the bumps of his tongue as it swept against mine. I pushed forward, searching for entrance, wanting to join my body with his. But his palms pushing against my chest had me pulling back. I lifted up enough to look at him and he had a concerned look about him. Alan reached over to the table and grabbed a condom. I had forgotten. As I rolled it on, I realized that it didn’t matter. I was willing to take the risk. I wanted to feel all of him gripping me. But it was unfair to ask him for so much. But I could ask him for something else. I rolled back in place, nose, chest, and hip meeting his. I pressed forward, willing him to let me in. He did. I pushed forward, gliding into place, feeling him stretch around me, grasping me, welcoming me. I stayed in place for long minutes, staring into his eyes, kissing him from time to time.

I slowly started to move, gliding in and out of his tight channel. I kept bumping a hard lump over and over, knowing I was stroking his prostate, stoking his pleasure, causing it to climb towards climax. The connection we had was more than the mere physical; it was emotional. I stared in his eyes when I wasn’t kissing him. His legs splayed on either side of my hips, grasping me. His hands skimmed and stroked my back. His lips met mine eagerly when I lowered to take them. When I wasn’t kissing him, I stared into his eyes, looking for every nuance of emotion to play across their liquid blue depths. They didn’t disappoint, we had been building something together the last couple of days. It was more than sex, more than the physical release. It was an emotional, soul-deep connection. It was all I needed to know. I stepped up my assault, moving faster and harder, pushing him, waiting for him to trip. I was more than ready to cum, holding on to it by sheer willpower. Each brush of his body, each pulse and tense twisted my pleasure higher and higher, causing me to gasp and moan in rapture. Then Alan reached up and pulled me to his lips, and I drank deeply of his mouth, causing my control to splinter as my orgasm exploded through me, causing my body to shudder over his. As the spasms slowed then stopped, I became aware of his release, pulsing and jetting onto my belly. As heaven receded and reality returned, my softened, limp penis slipped out of him and my heavy-lidded, drooping body relaxed. My head lowered into the nook of his neck. He rolled our bodies to the side and I kept myself wrapped around him: my arms about his back, a thigh wedged between his, and my head, pillowed on his shoulder. We both drifted off to sleep, with me content, having learned all I needed to know in that one illuminating moment of emotional vulnerability when I looked in his eyes.

The next morning, Alan called his brother. We left our hotel, that bizarre satin marshmallow that I know I will never forget. On our drive back to San Diego, Alan sat quietly, contemplating the scenery as it whipped by. His pensive air had me worried. But I waited him out, hoping he would open up and talk to me. Eventually he did.

“Bill?”

“Yeah.”

“It was more than sex, right?” I looked up and saw the vulnerable uncertainty in his eyes. That same bone-deep weariness and loneliness that I recognized from the glimpses in my mirror just a few short days before, shone in his eyes. It was also that same shyness that was in my voice back in that hotel room in Anaheim after our first night together. But it was the question I was looking for, the one that I could open up and assure him that I wanted more than just this trip. It should have surprised me, but it didn’t. For once in my life, I had an opportunity for happiness and I planned on grabbing hold tight and never letting go.

“It was a lot more than sex. It was from the very beginning. I promise.” He smiled at me. It was a smile of promise and hope. A smile filled with warmth and tenderness. It was also filled with desire and, dare I hope, love.

We spent the next couple of days with his brother, Adam. I really liked him. He was funny and charming, now that the edge had been taken off his sexual hunger. But hell, I could understand. It can’t be easy being trapped away at sea for six months with nothing and no real easy way to relieve the pressure. Like I said, one really hot night in the sack and he was entirely different from the horny guy I met on the docks. He showed us around San Diego, letting us see the town in which he currently called home. It was a nice couple of days, relaxing and calm. We didn’t sleep together during the time we spent with his brother, but we did talk and share. I learned a lot of embarrassing stories from Adam about Alan. Tales from childhood, from school, all the things no one wants a lover to hear. But I loved every minute of it. Each word from Adam’s mouth cemented the bond that Alan and I shared.

The next day we set out for Los Angeles and the train station so we could go home. I had a cabin reserved and had Alan’s ticket upgraded so he could stay with me officially. Not that that would have stopped me. Our room was at the end of the car, with only the wall opposite the bed sharing with another room. The train set out, going in the opposite direction. By the time we hit Santa Barbara, we were kissing again, rolling around on the bed we had pulled out. I had slipped on one of the last condoms we had and was moving between his legs, getting ready to thrust deeply. But I missed my mark and plunged really deep when all I meant to do was probe at him. Then I went to pull back, but pulled out instead. I kept it up for a little while, thrusting too far then pulling back. Then I looked in Alan’s eyes and we started laughing, realizing that the rocking of the train was throwing the natural grace we had discovered off. While laughing, I had stopped moving. But the motion of the train had me rocking in him slightly. The slight movement had him arching his back in pleasure and me twitching in excited sensations. I braced my hands high enough so we only touched at the hips. I also kept my brace loose enough to keep from locking up and ruining the joy we had found. But it was cold on the train and I pulled the blankets over us. We were locked together, rocking with the train, writhing in pleasure under the blankets. We kissed often and he skimmed and stroked his hands over my body. In almost no time I was clenching and spurting in release. But Alan for once didn’t trip with me. So I moved down his body, moving under the blankets and taking him in my mouth, moving on him quickly, taking him over the edge with a few deft nibbles of my mouth. I took all that he had and tasted him. He was thick and musky, but good. I moved back up to kiss him, but he was already asleep. I removed the condom and curled around him, content to hold him while he slept, aware that the feelings blooming in my chest had just exploded into full-blown love. Amazingly enough I started this adventure so I could be with my college sweetheart. I ended up falling in love with my neighbor. Funny, but this is not how I imagined this week turning out, but I can’t complain. I prefer this; I think I found something so much greater than what I could have hoped for.

We spent the day and night, leisurely making love, holding each other, sleeping, getting up and eating from time to time. The following afternoon, while we were nearing Portland, I asked Alan to go to the club car for a couple of drinks for us. I had a plan and wanted to set it in motion while he was gone. I had palmed a few items while in our little satin motel room. I slipped off my clothes and opened a couple of the lube sachets and worked it into my cleft, smearing it over my ass and worked it into me with a couple of fingers. Then I slipped on a pair of white satin boxers I had found in a drawer in the motel room. I had one condom left and planned on using it as soon as Alan came back. I was waiting for him on the bed, lounging in the boxers, watching the view of Oregon City slip by as we broached the Willamette River on our way into Portland. Alan returned and walked in. The bottles of soda fell from his hands as he saw me, lying open in invitation. I smiled at him and crooked my finger at him, drawing him towards me. I watched as he slipped out of his clothing. I was again reminded of his beauty, his physical perfection. He knelt on the bed, skimming his hand in a long, sensuous trail from shin to neck. I felt goose bumps raise wherever his hand had once trailed. I was trembling by the time he slipped off my boxers. I lay before him, shuddering with desire and aroused to almost bursting.