Sex in the Sky

Twenty years had passed, a life time of accomplishments behind me, and I was still nervous as I drove up to valet parking of the Park Hyatt Washington. Twenty-year Class Reunion; I had avoided the tenth, but I had found myself wondering about my friends and classmates as the twentieth had approached. Why I wanted to see anyone again I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t been the class reject, and I wasn’t returning as the conquering underdog who’d done good. I hadn’t been the head of the class, and I wasn’t returning to prove I still had it all. No, I was just one of the forgotten middle-grounders. I’d been no one special, or memorable, or accomplished in school. I’d just been another guy, struggling with his identity and trying to figure out what he wanted out of life.

Ok, so I had also been a closet case; nothing new there either. I’d lived in denial ’til after college and a failed marriage. Julie had been a good wife, and we’d had two beautiful children together, but we just weren’t meant to be a couple. Even after the divorce we remained friends. At least neither of us had cheated on the other. We’d simply known that it wasn’t working. She’d always noticed my attraction to men, even though I’d tried to ignore it, and when we finally ended it, she’d pointed me in that direction. No judgments, no screaming, and no fears of what I would do to the kids; honestly, Julie was still my best friend. We’d both cried when we ended it, but we were miserable and it turned out for the best. I started and new life, and Julie remarried a few years later, but I still shared custody of the kids. Hell, I even liked Jim; he was a great guy with a “starter marriage” behind him as well.

Julie pushed me to come to the reunion. She thought it would be good for me to have some closure. She and Jim worried about me a lot, far more than I deserved. They wanted me to be happy and show the kids that “being gay” did not equate to being lonely and miserable. Hah, what a joke. I’d tried a few times; I’d only bottomed, but I’d even had a boyfriend for almost a year. Gay bars were too much of a fucking meat market; online hook-ups were scary. Were all gay men looking for hung, built, sex-crazed guys in their early to mid-twenties? That wasn’t me. Not that I didn’t like to look at and fantasize about the hot images on the internet, but that’s all I ever did.

I pulled out my suitcase and hanging bag, gave my keys to the attendant, and checked in. The woman at reservations was kind enough to tell me where the sign-in for the Madison High School reunion was. I had a porter deliver my things to the room, tipping him in advance, while I wandered down to the meeting room area. A frustrated blond “soccer mom” was directing the final touches and looked like she really needed to be anywhere but here. I was early.

She saw me as I watched. “Hello, you here for the reunion?” She smoothed down the front her slacks and extended her hand. “I’m Meredith Bartoni, but I was Meredith Coleman back in school.”

I smiled. Meredith had been the head of student council, a cheerleader, and though she was the target of every guy in the senior class she never seemed to be a bitch. In fact, she’d been nice to everyone. Extending my hand, I accepted the greeting. “Zack Johnson.”

Her brows furrowed, and I could tell she was trying to place me. I hadn’t been on any of the school teams. The only thing I’d done was martial arts club; it was the only sport I’d kept up with. “Why does your name ring a bell? I get the idea you were in one of the odd clubs?”

I was impressed. “Head of the Martial Arts club, senior year.”

She smiled. “Thanks. I’ve tried to memorize the names of anyone who did anything at the school, but with a seven-hundred person graduating class it is just impossible.”

I looked around. “Looks like you have your hands full.”

She rolled her eyes and groaned. “Just like high school, actually. I get on a committee and by the time something has to be finished, most of the girls have ‘conflicts’ and I’m left holding the bag.”

Grinning, I laughed. “Well, once I get out of my office clothes, could I help?”

The relief on her face was palpable. “Oh, would you?”

“I’d be happy to; I’ll be back down in fifteen.”

She gave me a quick hug, and I could feel the tension in her back. She was really stressed. “Thank you so much.”

“See you in a few.”

I got up to my room and changed. My bags had been delivered and I changed quickly. I stopped and looked in the mirror before I went back down. My hair had thinned and my waistline was about six inches larger than it had been at eighteen. Not that I was a porker; I was still under two hundred and I honestly had great legs and ass. I still did martial arts, kung fu and tai chi specifically. Our particular school was known for having men in the upper levels that were “beer kegs” or barrels. Something about the core body work developed bodies into a solid, columnar build. I didn’t jiggle much, though I did have a soft cushion I could lose. I’d never get below a 34 or 35-inch waist again; I had just too much solid muscle in the middle to do get smaller than that. At five-foot-eleven, I wasn’t bad, but no one would be asking me to model. My face was, for better or for worse, “sweet”. I’d always had a kind of cherubim face; Julie called it adorable. I called it “no man’s land” because I never seemed to be able to “land a man” with it.

I appeased my ego by reminding myself I had most of my hair, I had no health problems, I had two great kids and some really world-class friends; knowing that I could probably break most of my class mates in two if they pissed me off was also a great equalizer. I wasn’t the prettiest, I wasn’t the best built, and I certainly wasn’t the most successful, but I could stand up with any of them and honestly say I had done pretty well. I wondered if I could honestly stand up and tell them I was gay.

Meredith smiled as I came back into the reception area. She had been talking with a taller man, maybe six-two, with graying blond hair and a lean, almost overly drawn physique. His face looked as if he’d had a lot of hard years, but his eyes were laughing. I think it was his eyes that caused me to pause. They were an odd sort of blue-green that almost leapt out at you like when people with blue eyes wear green tinted contacts. Meredith snapped me back to reality was she said my name. “Zack, do you remember Joshua Winters?”

I was stunned into speechlessness. Josh had been ‘the jock’ of school. He lettered in track, was tall, blond, built like a Greek god, and had everyone falling over him. I think what I remembered most about him was the distant, almost distracted look he always seemed to have. It was as if he wasn’t quite paying attention to what was going on around him. He certainly didn’t have that look now; his eyes seemed to capture everything. He also wasn’t a Greek god; he must have lost thirty or forty pounds since school. He didn’t look bad; he looked very fit and vibrant if a bit worn. It was just such a dramatic change.

He extended his hand. “Hey, Zack. I don’t think we knew each other in school.”

“No, we didn’t have the same circle of friends.” I wanted to say “no, I wasn’t a cool jock like you”, but I thought that’d be rude.

“Yeah, clicks suck, but when you’re in your teens you don’t know any better.” Ok, that was a good comeback.

Meredith smiled. “Josh is my closest and oldest friend, Zack, so don’t give him a lot of grief.” There was the sound of something being knocked over and she shuddered. “Could you two handle the name tags while I find out what the hell just happened?”

Josh nodded. “You go, Mere, we’ll take care of it.”

I rolled my eyes as she dashed off to take care of another emergency. “Didn’t anyone come to help?”

Josh grunted. “Damn Prima Dona bitches who started this whole thing are too busy trying to look seventeen again to get their manicures dirty.” He walked to the reception table and slid around to the chairs. “Might as well grab a seat, Zack. If I know Mere, she’ll have us slaving for her for the whole weekend.”

I grinned. “The ‘Demon Soccer Mom’ strikes again?”

Chuckling, Josh found his name badge and struck his name off the list. “Something like that.”

* * * * * * * * * *

Josh and I spent the evening handing out nametags, checking off name lists, and talking to dozens of people we didn’t know and had no real interest in getting to know. Fortunately, we found common interests to talk about together and we caught each other up on life after High School. I told him about marriage, martial arts, kids and divorce. He told me about sports, surviving cancer and making life changes. I had to admit, Josh was not only cool but someone to be admired. He had his shit together in spades.

Mere plopped down in the other chair behind the reception table and let out a sigh of relief. It was after midnight and we’d finally shut off the straggling flow of arriving former classmates by closing the doors to the meeting hall. “Thank God.”

I chuckled. “You handled it like a pro. I can’t believe they had so many issues you had to clean up behind.”

Mere groaned. “Oh, you don’t know the half of it. Why the hell weren’t you on the committee?”

I smirked. “Because I was a nobody in school, and didn’t attend the 10th anniversary, so the recreation crew didn’t think to see if I’d help.”

Mere snorted; it was a sound that seemed to come naturally, but was totally out of place with the nearly perfect if frazzled woman sitting near us. “You weren’t an available piece of meat is more likely.”

Josh chuckled. “I’m glad I just moved back. No one knew I was here but you.”

“And I plan to keep it that way, Mr. Winters; all those grabby bitches will do is make your life miserable. Hell, a few of them may even try to ‘make you straight’.” She chuckled but Josh looked a bit uncomfortable. It took her a moment to realize I wasn’t ‘in the know’ and she blushed. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry Josh.”

He shrugged. “Not like I wasn’t planning on coming out anyway.”

I was clueless for a few moments, and then I blinked. “You’re gay?”

“Yeah, ‘Mr. Top Jock’ is a fag.” He sounded bitter. I knew how he felt.

I shrugged. “Cool.”

That had both of them nonplussed. “Cool?” Mere was shocked. “I out my best friend like an idiot, and all you can say is cool?”

“What do you want me to say, Meredith? That’s great Josh; let’s hit some bars together?” I grinned. “Not exactly my style.”

Mere grinned. “So, what is ‘your style’?”

Ok, that had me sweating. This conversation was going places I really didn’t want to go. “It’s the: you can live your life any way you want as long as you don’t drag me along, style.” Ok, that was safe; I thought.

Josh held up his hand. “Ok kids, time out.” He looked at Mere and pointed to the far side of the table. “You, over there. No more pressing for personal matters.” Then he looked at me and pointed in the opposite direction. “You, take a break ’til you can play nice with the other kids.”

I laughed. “Actually, unless Mere needs some help with the final clean up, I’m heading to bed.”

Mere smiled. “Thanks for your help, Zack. I’m sorry I got bitchy; it’s been a long night.”

“Need me in the morning?”

She shook her head. “No, those lazy bitches can take their shifts, or I’ll take one of my son’s cleats and kick them so hard they’ll think it’s implanted.”

We all laughed and I put out my hand to Josh. “It was a pleasure to meet you again.”

He took my hand and smiled. “Like-wise.”

Meredith hugged me before I left. “Don’t forget to give me your contact info, Zack. After all this, maybe we can get together.”

I really liked Mere. “I’d like that.” I left feeling like I probably had a couple new friends in the making.

* * * * * * * * * *

I really didn’t get much time with Josh or Meredith again during the reunion. We smiled at one another when we could; knowing smiles that no one else understood. People remarking on how they’d changed, how they looked, or another of a million insincere compliments had waylaid them both. Everyone reacted to Josh’s change as I had; he really was a different person from the boy in school. I caught up with a few of my high school friends; we had nothing in common, but I was glad to see them again.

I got to see just how bitter and spiteful old classmates could be at the banquet dinner. They did the whole “tell us about yourself” speech thing between each serving. Meredith was nearly a lead speaker, but being in the early middle of the alphabet, I’d had to give my introduction half way between her and Zack. I chickened out and didn’t “come out” to my classmates. Why bother, there were only a few I really decided I wanted to get to know again and I could tell them in private. That was ’til Josh had his turn.

He stood up, smiling at the hellos and nods that people gave him, and just let it out. “Hi everyone, I’m Josh Winters. I’ve lived in about three states since high school, working as Business Analyst, and I’ve just returned to DC. I haven’t been married and I don’t have anyone in my life at present. I do a lot of racing, both cycling and triathlons, and I’m gay.”

That last statement went over like a lead balloon. The ripple effect was horrifying. Between the gasps, the disbelief and the disgust, he might as well have said he was an ax-murderer. Then I heard a few people mumble he probably had AIDS. I’d learned from Josh that he’d had leukemia in his mid-20s, but had fought it and it was in remission. The assumption that a gay man automatically was an AIDS victim set my teeth on edge. I watched the spark in his eyes vanish as he sat back down and the people next to him seemed to shy away.

I got mad; no, I got furious. I’d been scared of the exact same reaction. Josh had had the guts to be honest and open and he’d been rewarded with bigoted, paranoia. I stood up, balling my fists. “I’d like to add,” everyone looked stunned as I practically yelled it out, “that I’m Gay too and you idiots who are mumbling that Josh is an AIDS victim are mindless bigots. I think you people should shut up and take care of your own issues before demeaning someone else.”

I was still standing when another of our classmates, Cynthia Stroud, stood up and echoed my words. Two others also stood, all stating clearly that they were gay and everyone else would just have to deal with it. I’m sure there were others, but that had been enough. I saw Josh looking at me across the room and I swear I could feel his eyes. The gratitude there almost made my knees weak. I think it was the end of my adrenaline rush that caused it actually, because I nearly collapsed into my seat, shaking a little, after we got a fairly large round of applause from the majority of the people in the room.

Meredith caught up with me at the end of the dinner. She had a large, Italian man with her who looked like the stereotype for an Italian cook. He was barrel-chested with a big gut, and was all smiles. She gave me an enthusiastic hug. “Thank you so much.”

I was stunned. “For what?”

“For standing up for Josh. He’d been agonizing over his decision for weeks. You made him realize he wasn’t alone.” She stepped back and put her hand on the man’s chest. “This is my husband, Frank.”

He put out a beefy hand. “Any guy who can stand up for what he believes like that is someone I can respect, poof or not.” His accent was definitely something from the New York area. Somehow, being called a poof by the guy wasn’t insulting at all.

I shook his hand. “Thanks, that’s one of the best compliments I’ve ever had.”

“You have to come over for dinner, Zack. Of all the people here, you’re definitely one I want to keep up with.” Meredith was a doll, and I agreed completely.

I’d made it out the door, deciding to avoid the whole “social dance” thing, and went for the elevators. I think I was still feeling a little sick from my outburst at dinner. Josh caught me before the doors opened. “Hey, Zack.”

Why was I sweating? I turned around. “Yeah?”

He put out his hand. “Thanks. No one has ever done something like that for me before.”

I took it; worried my palms were sweating, and smiled. “I’d say my pleasure, but it wasn’t any fun. I just couldn’t let anyone be treated like that.”

He didn’t let go, and I felt odd warmth running down my arm. It was unnerving. “Can we get together some time? I really don’t know anyone around here other than Mere.”

I smiled. “Sure, Mere’s got my address and phone number.”

He returned the smile, and I could see the handsome jock still there behind the leaner, older man. He had a great smile. “I’ll call you then.”

“Great. I’ll look forward to it.” Thinking for a moment, I reached into my pocket and pulled out a card. “Here, that’s got my work number and email.”

He took it and stepped back. “Thanks again, Zack.”

I smirked and joked to try to relieve the tension I was feeling. “If you really feel obligated, you can buy me dinner.”

His grin suddenly made me wonder if he’d taken it the wrong way. “You can count on it.”

The doors opened and I left him there, grinning. The thought of having dinner with Josh Winters was suddenly a very frightening prospect.

* * * * * * * * * *

Meredith called me about two weeks later and, as promised, invited me to dinner. She and Frank lived in Georgetown, in an older section on P Street. Nice houses, quiet neighborhood, and classic. Frank greeted me at the door. “Hey, Zack, glad you could make it.”

I grinned. “Someone mentioned beef on the grill; I couldn’t pass it up.”

He laughed and thumbed inside. “Just head straight back and keep to the left; through the kitchen and out to the patio. Mere’s already out there.”

I looked about as I walked back. “Where are the kids?”

“Pool party and sleepovers. We have an evening free.” He smiled happily at the thought.

I chuckled. “Then I won’t stay late,” I teased as I wiggled my eyebrows.

“Get into the back yard you perv.” He was laughing as he pushed me out the door. “Beer or soda?”

“Busch?”

“Yeah, got it. Be out in a minute.” The door closed and I followed the sound of laughter to the back yard.

Mere was laughing and shaking her head as I came onto the patio. With her were a woman I didn’t know, who looked very satisfied about something, and Josh, who looked embarrassed. Mere saw me and came over to give me a hug. “Zack, I’m so glad you could come.”

I smiled and kissed her on the cheek. “You know us gay men; offer hot beef and we come running from miles around.” That started Mere’s giggles again and the other woman began to laugh. Josh got even redder.

“Thanks, Zack.” The sarcasm in his tone made me grin.

“What’d I do?” I tried to look innocent but I think it came off as clueless.

Mere smirked. “Oh, nothing Josh won’t recover from. Becka was just commenting on how most gay men are just about sex and the lesbians have it right.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Oh? All emotional drama and no nookie? No thanks.”

That sent Mere into a complete spasm of giggles as she sat down. Becka did not look amused but Josh grinned. “Damn, wish I’d thought of that.”

“You never were good on the uptake, Josh.” Meredith couldn’t stop smiling.

I grinned. Josh was wearing a pair of comfortable jeans and a T-back. He looked great. Closing on forty and having struggled through cancer did not make him a candidate for being on the cover of GQ, but to any normal human he was as fit as any athlete. He was so much more cut that I was. Though I was shorter, I had a lot more muscle and probably out weighed him. The fact I had a touch more body fat than I’d liked contributed to that too. Still, he didn’t seem to mind the fact that I was shorter, had thinning hair and didn’t have a gym honed body. If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought he was checking me out.

Dinner was delicious, filled with laughter and good spirits. I even grudgingly admitted that I liked Becka by the end of the evening. By nine, I knew it was time to head out; Frank was looking like he wanted some time to take advantage of a house devoid of kids. I had to admit: I didn’t blame him. Josh said his goodbyes as well and left right behind me. I wasn’t sure, but I think he’d been flirting with me most of the evening.

“Gray, I can’t.”

“Oh.” Gray stood up, he felt betrayed, let down, humiliated and then as Ben put his hand on his shoulder he was turned to face him.

“I’ll stay, but I can’t do it for just tonight. If I stay it means we’re gonna try and make a go of this. I know you’re scared and the last thing I want to do is make things worse, but if it’s only a one night stand then you’ve got the wrong guy.”

There were tears in Gray’s eyes as Ben finished talking and carefully the older man ran a thumb across his lips before leaning in and tenderly, so tenderly, kissing him.

Gray thought he would collapse in a boneless heap. It had been so long since he’d felt anything other than hopelessness, loneliness and despair that the emotions the kiss released overwhelmed him and he leant into Ben’s strong body, letting the other man hold him up.

“Shhh, baby, it’s alright, slow and gentle, I’m in no hurry.” He ran his fingers into Gray’s long hair, twisting it as he did so and causing his companion to gasp.

“Bedroom, we need to be in the bedroom.” Gray backed away from Ben but the stronger man didn’t relax his grip, instead he moved as if they were one into the only room in the flat he had yet to see and let himself be manoeuvred onto the bed. He saw a picture on the nightstand and knew, instinctively, it was Simon. He said nothing but hoped the presence of the other man wouldn’t hinder Gray’s recovery.

As Ben’s mind processed his thoughts he saw Gray reach out, smile apologetically and turn Simon’s face to the wall. Then he leant over Ben’s supine figure and hesitantly kissed him back.

“Love me, Ben, it’s been so long.” The words were almost a plea and Ben nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He pushed himself up on his elbows and carefully moved so that he was able to undo the buttons on Gray’s shirt. As he revealed each portion of chest he leant in and kissed the skin. It was a pale golden colour and had a light sprinkling of hair across it. When all the buttons were open he pulled at the material until it came free from the grey trousers before removing it completely and throwing it to the floor.

“Tell me what you like, baby, help me please you.”

“Touch, just want you to touch me.” Gray looked up into Ben’s eyes and the older man could see his face was relaxed and, encouraged by this, he moved over and began to tongue a soft brown nipple. “Ohhhh, yesss, Ben.” Gray’s body raised from the mattress as his hands grasped the sheets. “Feels so good.”

“Can I?” Ben placed a hand on Gray’s waistband, he didn’t want to go further if it would spoil things but when he received a nod as an answer he quickly got rid of the rest of Gray’s clothing. “So beautiful, you are so beautiful, I knew you would be.” Ben lapped at Gray’s skin; the hairs were soft, silky and tickled his tongue. Gray writhed beneath him, every neglected nerve ending on fire as they received long ago forgotten stimulation.

“Let me see you, Ben, I want to look at you.”

Ben needed no more encouragement; he growled his response, almost ripping at his clothes in his haste to remove them. His own body was almost hairless. His chest was bare naturally but he shaved around his cock and balls, liking the feeling of air against his skin as he slept.

“Oh, God, Ben.” Gray’s words failed him, he was looking at an Adonis, an Adonis who wanted to be with him, and he held his arms out, almost in supplication and pulled Ben close to him.

Their lips met again but this time Ben was granted entry and his tongue danced with Gray’s, their bodies rubbing against each other as they kissed and he felt Gray’s breathing rate increase. He knew the younger man was close to cumming and that once he had all this would be over. He moved back and then gently kissed him again, this time on his forehead.

“Slowly, it’s been a while for me too, let me touch you.”

“Yes, Ben, touch me, let me feel you, please. Arghhh.” The warm hand was suddenly around his cock, he wasn’t that big, maybe six, six and a half inches and Ben’s large hands covered almost all of him. Slowly he began to move back and forth, catching the pre-cum, which was leaking copiously from the head of Gray’s dick, and lubricating the length with it. Gray was moaning continually, his hands grasping and ungrasping the sheets, his head moving from side to side, almost as if he had no idea what to do with the rest of his body while he was suffused in such pleasure.

“Gonna cum, Ben, can’t … can’t … Nnnnghhh, oh, fuck! BEN!” His load shot from his body in long hot spurts, and splattered across his chest. Gray’s body jerked and spasmed as he let go of his inhibitions and as he finally began to slow down he collapsed into the mattress, unaware of anything and everything.

Ben sat back on his haunches, fulfilled but still in need of release. He began to jack himself off, watching Gray’s beautiful body as he did so, and then saw his lover’s eyes open.

“Cum on me, Ben, let me feel your spunk mix with mine.” The sight of Gray naked before him, his cum sparkling on the soft hairs was almost enough on its own, but when Gray invited him to cum it was all he needed. With a cry of his own Ben’s hand sped up and only a minute or so later he roared his completion.

“Yeah, baby, yeah, now, on your hot body, baby, ohhhh, God, Gray, urghhh.” His own release wasn’t as powerful or long as Gray’s but it robbed Ben of what strength he had and he flopped down beside Gray, his hand moving to scoop up some of the cum so he could taste it. Gray watched, turned on beyond belief by what Ben was doing.

“Oh, shit, Ben, feed me too, let me taste you.” He stuck his tongue out to catch the drips hanging from the older man’s fingers and then, when he had sucked them clean, watched Ben finish by licking up the remaining spunk from his chest.

“Come here, baby.” Ben moved slightly so that Gray could lie against him and watched with pleasure as the younger man snuggled up, resting his head against Ben’s chest before smiling a very satisfied smile and closing his eyes. Ben knew there would be guilt following what they had done, but he’d deal with that in the morning, for now both of them needed to answer the call sleep was making, and he too closed his eyes, wondering as he did so whether Gray felt as complete as he did.

“Simon, please, no, let him go. No!” Ben was suddenly awake, seeing Gray sitting up, shaking, his head in his hands and he reached out to him.

“It’s a dream, Gray, just a dream.”

“I … I know and I’m sorry.” Gray couldn’t look at Ben, couldn’t touch him and so instead he turned his back, leaving the older man feeling bereft. He closed his eyes again and hoped sleep would save him.

It was the sound of crying that woke Ben the following morning and he looked over to the empty side of the bed with a curse. He’d meant to wake before Gray. He’d wanted to be there to take him back into his arms and help him deal with the fallout from their lovemaking and then the nightmare of the night before, but it hadn’t happened that way at all.

He climbed off the bed, grabbed his boxers from the floor and stepped into them. He then padded into the living room to see Gray, still naked, sitting in one of the armchairs, his legs up against his chest with arms clasped around them, rocking back and forwards as the tears flooded his face.

“Oh, baby, no. It’s gonna be ok. Shhh.” He reached out and this time took Gray into his arms, his skin rebelling slightly at the chilled, cold body he held.

“Help me, Ben, I feel so guilty. Simon … how could I do that to him?”

“Come over onto the couch, let me hold you there, ok?” he was relieved to see Gray nod and so he gathered him up and carefully walked him the few steps to the soft, comfy cream sofa that matched the chair. He pulled the throw that was folded across the back down and wrapped it around them both. “Look at me, Gray, and let me talk. I don’t want to hurt or upset you, just help. Will you let me?”

“Ok. But … don’t ask, you know, please.” Gray looked down at where his hands were, but the blanket hid them and so he stared at that instead.

“I won’t.” He paused, knowing that he needed to be careful what he said. “Gray, if it had been you who’d died, would you have wanted Simon to stay celibate the rest of his life?”

There was silence for a long while; Ben wasn’t worried because he knew Gray was still with him, hadn’t retreated to somewhere he couldn’t reach him and so he waited.

“Maybe, yes. No. I don’t know, Ben. No, I wouldn’t want him to feel as alone as I’ve felt. To dream like I do. I loved him, still love him, how could I want him to suffer that way?

“He wouldn’t want you to suffer either. You know that, deep down, don’t you?” If he was honest Ben didn’t know that himself, but he did know Gray and couldn’t see him loving a man heartless enough to wish for him to be alone for the rest of his life.

“I wanted you so bad last night, I couldn’t believe you wanted me too, but you did. It all seemed so right, but the dream and then this morning, when I turned his picture back round, I just felt so guilty, so unworthy. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Gray, I knew you were going to feel bad this morning; I even tried to tell myself to wake up before you so I could be ready, but I failed miserably.”

“No, you’re here now, you didn’t love and leave me, I … I couldn’t have coped with that.” The tears came back as Gray spoke, but this time they were for him and Ben, not him and Simon, and Ben smiled.

“I don’t cut and run, never have, never will. I told you last night that it wouldn’t be a one night stand, and trust me nothing’s changed.”

“Thank you.” Gray snuggled closer to Ben and for a long while they just sat together, each man warming the other as their bond grew. Finally, as the sound of Monday morning traffic reached their ears Ben spoke again.

“I guess I’ll take today off then. I think you need the company. Besides, the cricket’ll be on soon.”

“Yeah, I’d like that. I have my appointment with Marcia though. Will you come with me? Into the building I mean.”

Ben nodded and then watched as Gray, relaxing more by the second, tried to cover a yawn.

“Have another half hour, sweetie, I’m gonna grab a shower and put the coffee on. We can leave after that, ok?” He was rewarded with a nod and then Gray closed his eyes again. Ben kissed him tenderly on the lips, slipped out of the blanket and wound it around the sleeping man’s body before heading off to do as he’d said.

They’d enjoyed the cricket on the radio in Gray’s car on the way into Central London. As they’d anticipated the previous evening England won in the first hour and they’d sung along to the music on Radio 2 on the way home instead of listening to the sport’s phone-in that Radio 5 was presenting. Their regular coffee stop had been all the more enjoyable now they were a couple and Mary, who ran the café, had had their orders ready for them as they arrived. Gray had told her the following Monday he would be back in school but they planned to come in on Saturdays instead.

Their routine changed slightly when Gray returned to work but their relationship grew stronger. Ben didn’t press his lover to tell him about his past, nor did he pressurise him to take their sexual relationship anywhere he didn’t want to. His feelings for Grayling were getting stronger all the time and he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was worth taking everything at Gray’s pace.

When the cricket season turned into the football season Gray found himself cheering Ben on from the touchline most Saturday afternoons before they either spent the evening laughing and joking in a local pub or curled up together in one home or the other just enjoying each other’s company.

By the time the October half term came round they were talking about taking a holiday, just a day or two, maybe to Paris. They had discussed it all the way home in Gray’s car from their latest football defeat with Ben doing his best to convince Gray that he would be able to converse like a native when everything changed.

They were laughing and relaxed without any of the guilt that had so beleaguered Gray at the beginning of their relationship when, cold and in need of hot coffee, they exited the lift in Gray’s building and Ben felt his lover’s body stiffen.

“No.” The one word brought all the fear back into Gray and Ben’s lives. Ben had no idea what the problem was, only that there was a man standing at Gray’s door, an official looking man, with a very grim look on his face who seemed to be able to bypass the doorman with no trouble.

“Mr. Watson, nice to see you again.” The man took two steps forward and shook Gray by the hand before turning to Ben. “And you are?”

“Ben Marsh, I didn’t get your name.” Ben was immediately on the defensive. This man appeared able to undo all the good that had been done to Gray over the summer and autumn in a minute flat. For that reason alone he instantly disliked him.

“Chief Inspector Nelson. Mr. Watson, we need to talk, privately.” The man looked pointedly at Ben but Gray shook his head.

“No, unless you want to go, Ben, I’d like you to stay.” Gray grasped hold of Ben’s hand as he spoke and sighed in relief as he saw him nod.

“Of course, baby, you know I will.” Ben had deliberately used the term of endearment. He wanted this cop to know he and Gray were together, and that he wasn’t about to let his lover be pushed around. He was certain Gray wasn’t in trouble with the law, but even if he was, he was still staying.

“Very well, could we go in do you think?” The policeman looked anything but happy as he stepped back and let Gray unlock his front door, and then the three of them went inside, all the relaxed happiness of the last few hours gone as if it had never been.

For the first time since the day they had met the atmosphere as Ben sat next to Gray on the sofa was tense. He tried to relax so that he could give his lover the support he needed and put his arm around Grayling as he felt him lean into him.

“I felt it was better to come and see you personally, Sir, rather than phone, but I think you can guess the reason for my visit.”

Gray nodded his head but said nothing and after a moment the policeman continued speaking.

“Paul Mayerling was released from jail this morning. We have no idea where he is now.”

Again Gray nodded but said nothing. Words didn’t seem able to convey the feelings that were coursing through his body. The fear of seeing Mayerling again had disappeared a long while ago, but only because he’d felt safe while he was incarcerated. That safety had now been ripped away by the system supposed to protect him and he knew the man would come after him, would search and find him, and Ben would be the next one to die.

“He doesn’t know where you live, does he?” CI Nelson had taken his notebook out and was writing a few lines as he spoke.

“I … I don’t think so. He knows where I work though. He wrote to me there a few times.” The memories scared Gray so much that Ben felt him slump against him.

“What?” Chief Inspector Nelson’s one word made both men jump with its intensity.

“I didn’t tell anyone, I never opened the letters, not after the first one, they stopped in the end.” Gray looked down, he knew he should have contacted someone, but he’d been so scared, and ignoring the facts had been the easiest way to deal with the problem.

“I don’t suppose you kept any of them?” The tone of voice told Ben and Gray that the policeman expected a negative answer.

“No, I can tell you what the first one said though. He told me I was his, would always be his and it didn’t matter whether I thought I was with someone else, I wasn’t and never would be.” There were tears in Gray’s eyes as he finished talking and he turned his head into Ben’s body.

“Gray, you have to take time off, a sabbatical, whatever you want to call it and move in with me, or I’ll come here. I’m not letting you be alone, not when I can be with you.” Ben took Gray’s hand into his own, his thumb slowly caressing the back of it in an unconscious gesture of love. “Gray, you told me yourself you don’t need to work, so don’t, just for a while at least.”

Ben remembered the conversation they’d had a month or two earlier. He’d casually mentioned the luxurious home Gray had and been told that an inheritance from a very wealthy grandfather had meant he had money enough to last him his whole life, and he could in fact live far more comfortably than he presently chose to if he wanted. Gray had explained how he could become a total couch potato until he was eighty and still have money to pass on to his heirs when his own time came.

Gray felt everything he had gained slipping away from him. The life he had found with Ben had been everything he thought he’d lost forever and now it looked like he was right. The thought of Ben being hurt or worse was the final straw for him.

“I … I don’t know what to do, I have to think, God, I can’t, no, this can’t be happening, not again. Ben, I’m sorry.” Gray suddenly stood up, pulling away from his lover and then he left the room. The door to his bedroom slammed and Ben and CI Nelson looked at each other in silence, both, in their way, worrying about the younger man.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Ben finally spoke, unable to bear the stillness any longer.

“You mean Mr. Watson hasn’t?” The guards came up in Nelson’s mind as soon as he heard the man sitting opposite him speak.

“No, he hasn’t. All I know is that Simon died; I’m guessing that he didn’t just die, he was killed. Look, it’s taken Gray, Grayling, over four years to get to the point where you saw him this morning. I need to know what happened so I can help him.”

“Who are you, Mr. Marsh?” Brian Nelson looked intently at the young man he was meeting for the first time. He seemed genuinely concerned about Grayling Watson and for that he was very glad, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, tell him anything about what had happened to Simon Preston, that wasn’t up to him.

“I’m Gray’s boyfriend, we haven’t been together very long but I have no plans to be going anywhere. I …” Ben paused for a moment, aware he was about to make a declaration someone else should be hearing. “I love him, but… well, I haven’t told him yet. I don’t want to scare him, he’s been that way for too long.”

“What do you do for a living? Did you know Simon Preston?”

“No, I didn’t know him, I didn’t even know that was his last name ’til you told me, I’m a taxi driver, black cabs, that’s how I met Gray.” Ben was aware he was being interrogated and tried to be as helpful as he could.

“I’m not about to tell you anything that Gray wouldn’t, but I will say this, Paul Mayerling is an extremely dangerous young man. If you can get Mr. Watson to move out of London you would be doing him an enormous favour.” The detective got to his feet as he finished speaking. “My card. Call me, day or night, if you feel there is any danger. I wish I could do more, but until he offends again my hands are tied.”

Ben showed Chief Inspector Nelson out of the flat and watched from the doorway until the lift closed and hid him from view, then he turned and went back inside, wondering what if anything he would find out from Gray if he asked.

The silence that had been so awkward between Ben and CI Nelson enveloped him again as he stood alone in the hallway. With a deep sigh he walked towards the bedroom door and slowly opened it.

“Gray, can I come in?” Ben received just a nod and so he made his way over and knelt in front of his lover who was sat on a wicker chair the two of them had bought a fortnight ago from Camden market.

“Talk to me, baby, it’s finally time, I need to know what happened.” Ben reached up, there were tears on Gray’s cheek and he gently brushed them away.

“I can’t, Ben, it … I see it, so clearly, but I can’t.”

Ben knew that to be of any use to Gray he would have to find out and so, for the first time since he had met him, Ben raised his voice.

“Grayling, look at me and listen.” He waited and when nothing happened raised Gray’s face himself with his thumb and then spoke more softly. “I love you, Gray, I don’t ever want to be apart from you, but you have to let me in, please.” His voice wavered as he finished speaking and it was Ben who broke eye contact first.

“I … I love you too, help me, Ben, help me tell you.” Receiving a nod of agreement Gray got to his feet and then climbed onto the bed, he pulled the duvet around him and waited patiently for Ben to join him and make himself comfortable. When he found himself held close in Ben’s arms Gray knew there was no other place he would want to be as he told his tale.

“I met Simon when I was twenty-one, the day I was twenty-one actually, he was the DJ at my party in Devon. I knew I was gay, even then, but I’d never done anything about it. He was so cool, jet-black hair, thick, wavy, but he wasn’t interested in me, I was a wimp. I got a job in the science department at Milton when I was twenty-three, I’d had my inheritance the day after that party and so I bought this place and began to work as a teacher. One night I went to a club in Chelsea, Pogo’s, and he was on the door. He looked wonderful, his hair was a bit longer, so black, and he had black trousers and shirt on. I just wanted to melt in front of him.

“If he hadn’t changed much, I had. I’d worked out, taken up swimming, I wasn’t a wimp any longer. When he had his break I spoke to him, reminded him of where we’d met. It all went from there.”

Gray’s voice was still relaxed, still even, and Ben knew they weren’t near the bad stuff yet. He also knew Gray would embellish the pleasant things; go into greater detail so he didn’t have to talk about where it all went wrong.

“I went back a few times, usually on a Friday when I didn’t have marking to do and finally he asked me out. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, that would be Greg … what?”

“You’re deviating, baby, I don’t need to know about Greg.”

“No, sorry, sorry. After about six months I bought a stake in Pogo’s. I gave half to Simon, so he had a say in things, and I kept going there on a Friday night. I’d seen Paul Mayerling a few times, sometimes he’d sit and talk with me while I was waiting for Si to finish his shift, sometimes he was with other guys but even then he always said hi.” Gray stopped talking and looked towards Ben. “Kiss me, please, before it all gets too hard.”

Ben was more than happy to do as he was asked and he ran his hand up into Gray’s hair as he captured his lips with his own. For a moment it was as gentle and chaste as the first time their lips touched but then Gray’s hunger and desperation got the better of him and he took control, kissing Ben with such fervour he had to pull away just to breathe.

“Sweetie, you need to tell me. All the kisses and cuddles you want will be yours when we’re done. I promise, I’m not going anywhere, whatever you tell me.”

“‘k. I never took much notice of Mayerling, not really, I knew he was a regular, so was I, so what? Simon had decided we needed a holiday and as the Easter break was coming up I booked a fortnight in Boston.”

“Lincolnshire or Massachusetts?” Ben couldn’t help himself, even though he knew it was getting serious.

“D’uh, Massachusetts. We’d never had a real holiday together, not like that, with passports, flights, the works.” Gray closed his eyes. He could see Simon, getting all excited about what to pack, what they would do while they were there, all the things they’d see. “I … I finished work on the Thursday, Si had to work the Friday night so I booked a hotel just down the road. Chelsea has some great places, or it did, I’ve never been there since.”

“You’re doing fine, keep going.” Ben began to stroke Gray’s hair back from his face. It was long now, down to his shoulders and he was glad that the younger man hadn’t had it cut when he returned to work in September.

“I took all the bags to where we were staying and Simon went to Pogo’s. The hotel was great; I had a swim, a steam bath, even a massage before I went to the club. When I got there Simon said I smelt really hot.” Gray smiled at the memory, he remembered the feeling of his boyfriend’s breath against his neck, then his face became sad again as he restarted his tale. “The place was busy but my usual stool at the bar was always reserved for me on Fridays and I sat people watching. After about ten minutes I felt someone behind me and turned.” Again Gray closed his eyes, it was about to get difficult and he didn’t want to continue. He felt the brush of a kiss against his lips and he moaned into the touch but it was gone and he knew he had to speak again.

“You know it was Paul, I said hello, just as I always did, but instead of saying the same back he reached out and touched my hair, then he leant in and smelt it.

“”Hmmm, Grayling, you smell wonderful tonight.”"

Gray was back in the club, it didn’t matter that Ben was holding him, touching him, he was in Pogo’s and his words took Ben there with him.

“”Thanks. Simon and I are off on holiday in the morning thought I’d better make an effort.”

“Really?” Paul Mayerling’s eyes had flashed as he heard Gray’s news. “That isn’t very convenient.”

“It’s not?” Gray had been confused, nothing was planned at the club over the next couple of weeks that either he or Simon needed to be there for.

“No, I’m having a party tomorrow night, you are my guest of honour.” Paul had run his hand through Gray’s hair as he spoke and Gray tried to brush him off.

“Well, you should have told me, but it wouldn’t have made any different, Paul. I’m taken, you know that. You’ve been coming here long enough to realize Simon and me are together.”

“Nothing is certain in this world, little one, nothing at all.” For the first time Gray had felt scared of Paul. The words carried a menace that was unmistakable and he looked around in a panic for someone to rescue him.

“Back off, Mayerling. He’s mine.” Simon had been there in a second, his six-foot frame roughly the same height as Paul.

“Ok, ok, jeez, can’t you guys take a joke?” Paul had done as Simon said and backed off, he’d turned and moved away to the other end of the bar where he’d bought a drink and then found a table that miraculously became vacant as he approached it. It was then Gray had realized just how powerful Paul Mayerling was.

“Simon?”

“Don’t worry, another couple of hours and we’ll be gone. He’ll have a few drinks and forget all about us. Hon, I have to get back to work, are you ok?”

Gray had nodded; he’d stay the opposite end of the club to Mayerling, chat with the barman and make sure he could see Simon at the front door all the time. Everyone seemed in a good mood, he was being more doorman and less bouncer, but Gray knew it could easily change.”

“I … I had a couple of beers and then, well, nature took its course.” Gray was back in the present now and Ben watched him closely, wondering, even after all he’d told him, whether his lover would be able to finish the tale.

“I made my way to the men’s room. It was the other end of the bar and then in back. Two stalls and a couple of urinals … sorry, sorry, you don’t need to know that.”

Ben had rested a finger on Gray’s cheek and the young man realized what he was doing again.

“”It isn’t wise, little one, to cross me.” Gray hadn’t had time to even close the door to the stall before he felt Paul Mayerling moving in behind him.

“Paul, please, don’t do this. Please.” His words made no difference as the stronger man began to pull Gray towards him, claiming his lips in a bruising kiss, his hands grasping the younger man’s upper arms tightly as he did so.

“You are mine, no one is going to deny me, not you, not your beefed up boyfriend, I always get what I want. Understand?”

Gray had tried desperately to get away but in the confined area there was nowhere to go. Paul began pulling at his shirt, exposing his skin and biting the base of his throat. “I will have you, I can be rough or gentle, the choice is yours.”

“No! Let me go, I won’t tell anyone, I promise, please.” Tears fell as Gray knew that nothing he said would make any difference; Paul Mayerling was going to rape him and he couldn’t prevent it.

“Help me, please, someone, he…” A large hand covered his mouth and nose, blocking the sound of his voice as well as his airway and then Gray felt Paul’s other hand tighten around his throat. The restroom began to blur as he struggled for oxygen and just as he slid to the floor he thought he heard a sound.”

“The barman had got worried about how long I’d been gone, especially as he couldn’t see Mayerling either and he came looking for me. Paul told him he’d found me unconscious in the bathroom but he … he hadn’t, I swear. Ben, I didn’t … I didn’t lead him on, I … I didn’t even like him.” The words ended in a sob and Ben pulled Gray closer to him.

“Shhh, baby, it’s ok. I know you didn’t do anything like that, and even if you had you said no, that’s all it should take to get someone to stop.” Grayling was shaking in his arms now and for a moment Ben just held him. He knew there was worse to come, but even this alone would have messed up his lover’s life.

“I didn’t tell Simon, maybe I should have. I thought he’d kill him so I left it. I made the barman promise not to say anything and I just sort of pulled my clothes back on and went to sit on the stool again.”

“What about Mayerling? Surely he didn’t stay at the club after that?” Ben was shocked that Simon hadn’t known. The man had been a bouncer; he could have effectively got rid of him and maybe prevented whatever had happened later.

“The barman told him he should leave. He said I didn’t want any trouble and that if Simon wasn’t to be told he needed to make himself scarce. I didn’t see him for the rest of the evening so I guess he did.”

Again Gray paused, he really didn’t want to continue and he tried to pull away from Ben, to extricate himself from his arms.

“No, baby, you’ve come this far, keep going, let it out.”

Gray nodded but said nothing. For a moment he leant against Ben’s chest, as if gathering strength from the bigger man and then, with a deep intake of breath that ended in a groan, he began again.

“It was gone two when we left, I’d helped cash up, Simon had done the security check around the place and, after the barman headed home, we’d locked up and gone out into the road by the club. I was still spooked by what happened and just clung to Simon as he held me, kissing my hair, whispering to me how good the holiday would be, how much sex we’d have and then suddenly he was gone, not holding me any more.”

Gray’s words began to loose their resonance, his voice became a mumble and the tears he was shedding made him hard to understand. Ben didn’t want him to have to repeat anything so he gently kissed his forehead and spoke quietly.

“Take it slow, babe, one word at a time, it’s only me here, one word after another.”

“‘k. Someone had pulled Simon back, his arms were being held behind him and Paul Mayerling was punching him in the gut. He … he grunted and cried out … I tried to get to him … there was a third man … he stop … stopped me. S… Simon fell to the floor and they kicked him, over and over but he fought back, got to his feet. The other guy, he was so big, he charged Si, pushed him and … and … oh, God … his back hit a railing and he fell over it down into a basement. I h … heard him cry out, scream, and then … Ben, his neck, I heard his neck … sorry, I’m sorry.” Gray rushed from the room, tears streaming from his eyes as he made his way blindly towards the bathroom and then Ben heard him retching and vomiting into the toilet.

Ben waited ten minutes before he tapped on the door.

“Gray, you need to come out, baby, let me help you, ok?”

Again Ben waited, he didn’t want to intrude, but he also didn’t want to leave Gray alone for too long. He opened the door and moved quickly into the room to take his lover into his arms as Gray turned to him, his face haunted by what he’d had to relive.

Ben walked Gray into the lounge and together they sat on the sofa. No words were spoken, instead they held each other, Ben gently stroking Gray’s hair or just letting him rest his head on his chest. Finally, after almost an hour Gray spoke.

“Take me to bed, Ben, I need you.”

Ben just nodded, his lover’s emotions were all over the place, but he could understand the primal need for them to mate. He needed it too. To replace the sad memories with new, fresh, passionate ones. He pulled Grayling towards him and then lifted him into his arms, kissing him with a fervour that took both men’s breath away.

Their clothes were discarded across the lounge as they hurried back to the bedroom. Ben pushed Gray down on the bed, kissing his neck and chest, leaving his mark to prove to the younger man how much he wanted him.

“Fuck me, Ben, I want to feel you inside me.”

“Baby, are you sure?” Ben looked shocked, he’d thought maybe he’d get to suck Gray off, and be sucked himself. Both men could tease the other incessantly, taking them higher and higher before they exploded. He would have been more than happy with that.

“Yes, something new, we need to do something new to take away today.” Gray lay back fully on the bed, raised his arms and grasped the headboard with both hands. His legs flopped apart as he opened himself up submissively for his lover and Ben couldn’t help the moan that escaped him.

“Oh, God, Gray, yes, let me take you, I’ll make it good, baby, I promise.” He leant in, sucking on first one nipple and then the other as his hands began to play with Gray’s cock. He felt the pre-cum dampen the tip and he moved down to take it deep into his mouth.

“Ohhhh, Ben, God, yes, yes!” His body arched from the bed and his cock pushed on the back of Ben’s throat. Gray wasn’t too long and it had never been a problem for him to take it all in. Ben’s cheeks were concave as he sucked up and down the length, the suction making Gray see stars and he knew he needed to slow down.

“I’ll be gentle, baby, if you want me to stop I will.”

Gray nodded; it had been so long since anyone had loved him this way and he knew it would almost be like the first time. He watched as Ben leant forward and took a pack of flavoured condoms and some lube from the nightstand. Gray held out his hand and took the protectors from his lover.

“Let me.” He ripped the silver foil cover off and then, as Ben looked on in amazement, Gray put the condom into his mouth. Carefully, not wanting to rip the latex or hurt his lover with his teeth, Gray moved to grip Ben’s cock at the base. He then put his mouth over the end and began to push the condom down the length using his lips to unroll it. Ben had felt nothing like it before and grasped Gray’s head, holding him there for a moment, savouring the feelings.

“Oh, fuck, Gray, where did you learn that?”

“Remember Greg, the one you didn’t want to know about?” Ben nodded his head; the sensations as Gray now laved up and down his cock were driving him wild. “We learnt together. I’ll teach you one day.” Gray moved back, lying down again and began to jack his own cock. “I want you, Ben, I want you to take me, make me yours, I love you so much.”

“Turn over, baby, let me get you ready.” Gray did as he was told without another word, he grasped at the sheets as Ben placed a pillow beneath him, parted his cheeks and began to lick and suck his way down to Gray’s most private of places. His head was resting on another pillow and he moaned into it as the wonderful sensations began to overtake him. Ben’s tongue began to probe the tight opening, furled up it gradually made its way inside and it was all Gray could do not to rub himself up and down on the sheets and cum before Ben was finished with his preparations. He moaned in desperation as Ben stopped his ministrations but then grimaced as he felt one thick finger being carefully inserted. He forced himself to relax and in just a few moments was writhing again as he enjoyed long forgotten feelings.

“That’s three fingers, baby, turn over again, I want to see you.”

Ben’s voice was soft but controlling and Gray rolled over and raised himself up so the pillow could be removed. He was a mixed up wreck he knew that but he wanted nothing more than to give himself to Ben and he pulled his legs up to his chest, opening himself up to the man he loved.

Ben watched for a moment as Gray waited for him. His cock was so hard it hurt and he could feel a need inside him to take Gray by force, to make him his property but he didn’t. Instead he lifted Gray’s legs onto his shoulders before taking hold of his cock and carefully resting it at the entrance to Gray’s body and then, as he began to push, he leant forward and captured Gray’s mouth in a kiss.

“Mine, baby, so beautiful and all mine.” He pushed into Gray and felt himself being admitted and began to rock back and forwards to ease his entry. “So tight, feels so good, so damn good.”

“God, Ben, yes, take me, ohhhh, yes.” Raising himself up Grey began to fuck back against Ben, feeling the rock hard rod inside him touching and then rubbing his prostate. Ben’s warm hand took his cock and began to stroke it. Feelings exploded around Gray as he felt his cum boil in his balls and then, as he tried to hold on longer, to make things last he heard Ben again.

“Cum for me, baby, cum now, with me.” The hand sped up as did the thrusts, “Can’t last, baby, gonna cum, oh, fuck, Grey. Ohhhhhh!” Ben pushed faster and faster into Gray, then his body froze for a moment before every nerve ending seemed to be concentrated inside Gray and he was shooting load after load of spunk and suddenly Gray was doing the same. He clenched even tighter around Ben’s cock and cried out his lover’s name over and over as his load spewed forth onto his chest before Ben collapsed down onto him totally spent.

Ben didn’t know what he’d expected to happen after he and Gray had made love. That, on top of Gray having finally told him his story, meant nothing would be the same again. The release they’d both needed had been wonderful but the reasons for it meant he’d trespassed into areas the younger man hadn’t wanted him to go and they would both have to face the consequences of that.

Gray had wrapped himself around Ben as they recovered from their explosive orgasms. He’d needed to tell him how things had ended. Mayerling had protested his innocence, claiming he’d been sure Simon was the one attacking Gray and he’d only gone in to protect him. No other witnesses had come forward to speak on Gray’s behalf but three had for Mayerling. The man who’d actually pushed Simon had got ten years, but his would-be attacker only got five. He must have behaved himself inside but that didn’t surprise Gray. The tears had come again as the young man explained how he’d realised he was totally alone; no one had backed him up, no one had cared. He’d sold his stake in Pogo’s, buried his lover and disappeared into his flat. He worked, ate, slept and, until he’d met Ben, had envisaged doing nothing more until he was old and grey. Once he’d finally finished his tale he’d snuggled into Ben, his face still wet with tears and fallen into a disturbed sleep. By the following morning it was as if the laughter had never been in his eyes and his whole demeanour changed. He could no longer hide in his new relationship because Ben knew what had happened and that increased his despondency and depression to new levels. Stubbornly though he refused to hand in his notice and just leave, saying instead he would stay until a suitable supply teacher could be found.

Ben made sure he delivered Gray to school every morning in his cab and was always there each afternoon to pick him up. For two weeks that worked but then one Tuesday when he wasn’t working Ben had a visitor.

His small house on the outskirts of London had been up for sale for a week. Gray had told Ben it was daft for him to keep it, especially as the flat had a doorman and was far more secure. Ben had just nodded his agreement knowing there was no point in trying to change his mind. He had put the property on the market without mentioning it again. Gray was so tightly wound and introverted that Ben had begun to do things and then seek Gray’s approval afterwards. He was pretty sure he knew what his boyfriend would like and not like and so far he seemed to be doing ok.

The estate agent had called and asked whether a prospective buyer could come and view and Ben had spent a hurried hour and a half tidying or hiding all the stuff he seemed to have on each and every surface. When the bell rang he opened the front door looking reasonably cheerful only to be pushed back against the hall wall as a tall, dark haired man held his forearm across Ben’s throat.

“I imagine you know who I am. Grayling Watson belongs to me. I know where he lives so stay away from him or you’ll end up like Simon Preston. Understand?”

Ben pushed back, making Paul Mayerling take three or four steps away from him.

“Gray is my boyfriend, he has no interest in you, and certainly doesn’t ‘belong’ to anyone! Now get out of my house before I call the police and have you arrested.” Ben manhandled the now furious man towards the door; he was strong, but not as strong as the cabbie who had been working out harder than ever so he could protect his lover. Once Ben had got Mayerling out into his front garden he turned to return inside, felt a stunning blow across the back of his head and fell to the floor, no longer aware of his assailant or anyone else.

Gray had been shocked and scared to find Chief Inspector Nelson waiting for him in the main reception of his school instead of Ben. He’d managed to keep his tears at bay until he was in the unmarked police car, but the description of what had happened to his lover filled him with dread.

The detective had driven Gray straight to the hospital where Ben was being treated. He explained to him that the estate agent, arriving roughly half an hour into the supposed viewing, had found Ben unconscious on his front path and called an ambulance. By the time the young man had arrived at the casualty department he was returning to consciousness but had no recollection of what had happened to him or how he had ended up where he was found. The chances were he would never remember.

The doctor on duty told the detective that Ben was having a CAT scan and they could sit in the main waiting room. He would be admitting Ben for at least overnight observation as the young man had been unconscious for an indeterminate amount of time, but quite probably over five or ten minutes and that was a definite cause for concern.

Gray arranged for Ben to have a private room, ensuring all bills would be sent to him and then, once it had been prepared, made himself comfortable in one of the two easy chairs, watching the detective but saying nothing.

His mind was in a whirl. He’d known Ben could be in danger, but he’d thought, stupidly, that it would be something that would happen when they were together. The fact that Ben’s house was so far from his only made him realize more strongly that he had been right to tell his lover to sell it and move in with him. What would be even better though was if Gray could get him to leave, to break up with him; that way Ben would no longer be in any danger. He had no doubt that Mayerling would attack again, this had been a warning, meant to make Ben back off and scare and remind Gray of what had happened to him last time. He doubted Ben would capitulate, but the rest had worked, he wasn’t just scared, he was terrified.

Ben had been wheeled into the room almost an hour after Gray had entered it. He was asleep, his face pale apart from an angry looking bruise down one side where Gray imagined he’d hit the ground. The nurse told Gray and Nelson she would be coming in regularly to check on Ben but that at present he was considered to be in a serious but stable condition. Grey had just nodded; he couldn’t take his eyes off the sleeping form of his lover. Usually Ben was the strong one, nothing seemed to faze him, but as he lay there, his breathing being monitored as fluids were pumped into him, he seemed so fragile and Gray felt his anger rise.

In the end Ben stayed for three days in the hospital before being released into Gray’s care. Ben still couldn’t remember anything that had happened to him for the entire day before the accident and up until he saw Grayling about three hours after he had been admitted. He had driven everyone mad by asking over and over again what had happened to him. The first time he’d asked Gray why he had a headache he’d shrugged and told him he’d hit his head. There was no proof that anything other than that had happened. By the time he’d been asked about forty times Gray was ready to tell Ben he’d been abducted by aliens and used as a football. He had a feeling that, for the minute or two he remembered what was being said to him, Ben would have believed him.

It had been a month before Ben was ready to go back to work. Gray had readily agreed to leave school and remain at home with him while he recuperated. He had tried to persuade Ben to finish the relationship when he was feeling better but the older man had refused. They still loved each other but things had changed between them. Although they hugged, cuddled, even kissed, Gray wouldn’t let Ben close enough to make love to him regularly. They had pleasured each other, just as they had done the first time when Gray had begged Ben to stay with him, but now it was Ben doing the begging. Gray was too scared to let Ben any closer to him and so instead, despite Ben’s best efforts, they began drifting apart.

Before Ben could drive his cab again he had to undertake a medical exam and so, with a heavy heart, he’d left Gray alone one Thursday afternoon hoping that he could get at least one part of his life back on track.

It took far longer than he’d thought to get all the paperwork and everything sorted out but Ben was delighted he could go home and tell Gray he’d be back at work the following Monday even if that meant he wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on his partner during that time. He hadn’t realized how much he enjoyed his job until he couldn’t do it any longer, and the chance to return to it was very welcome.

Ben stopped for a few minutes to talk with the doorman on his return. Jim was on holiday and the temporary guy seemed pleased to be taken notice of.

“Mr. Watson had a visitor while you were out.”

“Oh.” Ben was immediately on his guard. “Was it Inspector Nelson?”

“No, no, I know him, I’d never seen this guy before. About your height, dark hair, didn’t say much, just that he was here to see Grayling Watson and knew his way up.”

Ben didn’t wait to hear anything more. He had no proof but he was sure the visitor had been Paul Mayerling. He was half way up in the lift before he realized he hadn’t even asked if the man was still in the building. He rushed down the hallway, grabbing his keys out of his pocket as he did so; he flung open the front door, crying out his lover’s name at the same time.

“Gray, baby, where are you? Gray!” There was no reply and the silence hung in a heavy pall over the flat. Ben opened the bedroom door but Gray wasn’t there, he moved to the bathroom, crying out as he finally saw his lover.

“Gray, no!” The bathroom in their home was large; Ben had always loved the room and how much space there was. He’d even entertained the possibility of making love to Gray there, but that had been swept from his mind by the insecurities of his partner lately. Now, grateful once again for the extra room, he crouched down by the side of the slumped body of his boyfriend, tears on his face as he took in the scene.

Gray was flopped down by the side of the bath, he had no clothes on, the ripped remnants were, Ben realized belatedly, out in the lounge. Gray had blood and sperm over the lower half of him but what worried Ben more was the empty pill bottle that had fallen out of his hand to lie menacingly next to a broken tumbler on the tile floor of the bathroom.

“Oh, God, Gray!” Ben looked around, trying frantically to remember what the hell he needed to do. He knew Gray had been raped and it had to be by Mayerling but that scumbag wouldn’t kill Gray, his boyfriend had tried to do that to himself.

His first aid knowledge came back in a rush and Ben leant down and listened keenly for any sounds to show Gray was still alive. When he was satisfied that he was breathing slowly but regularly he carefully moved him until he was lying on his back. Once he was sure there were no extra injuries to deal with, or any bleeding other than that he’d already noticed Ben gently moved Gray into the recovery position, talking to him softly all the time. Then he grabbed his mobile phone from his pocket, dialled 999 and prayed he wasn’t too late to save the man he loved.

Gray had refused to see Ben for almost a week. With hindsight Ben realised it was probably just as well. First of all he’d been frantic with worry but gradually his anger had come out and, as it was misplaced, he’d been very glad his lover hadn’t witnessed it.

Paul Mayerling had been arrested and charged with rape. Nelson had told Ben he didn’t think the man would get more than three or four years at the most, about the same as he’d got for attacking Simon. Two lives, one terminated, one ruined and the man would only be incarcerated for seven or eight years in total. Nelson wasn’t sure if he could charge Mayerling with stalking or not. There was still no proof he’d attacked Ben, although both Gray and Nelson were sure it had been him. They had DNA from Gray’s body to charge him with rape, and although Gray hadn’t wanted to press charges Nelson had told him with the evidence they had it would be a guaranteed guilty verdict and so he’d agreed.

Gray’s hospital room had been bright and airy, the view of London out of the windows spectacular and Ben concentrated on that for a moment or two as he composed himself. Gray had finally agreed to see him and it was all he could do to stop himself from just holding him tight and never letting go.

“Thank you.” Gray’s voice was soft and hesitant.

“For what?” Ben looked away from the window. He loved Gray so much, but it didn’t seem to matter at the moment, they were almost like strangers.

“For saving my life.”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Are you angry with me because you didn’t succeed?”

“No, not now. I was, but what’s the point? I’m still here, nothing I did that day turned out right.”

“Gray, please.” Ben moved across and sat by the bed. He reached out his hand but Gray didn’t reciprocate and so he let it fall onto the sheets.

“He raped me, Ben, he tried to kill you. I could never go with him to protect you, I wasn’t strong enough, but if I was gone, permanently, well, then he’d have no reason to go after you again. I failed, so you have to leave. Walk away and never come back, that way you’ll be safe. I can use my money to hide if I want to, I’ll have four years to work something out.”

Gray’s voice was toneless, all the emotion was gone and Ben’s heart cried out for him. He wanted to grab him, shake him, try to make him see sense, but he knew he couldn’t.

“I’m not going anywhere. Well, not anywhere you can’t find me. Maybe one day you’ll decide you want us to be together, when you do I’ll be waiting. Until then I’ll visit with you, be your friend, but I love you, I’ll always love you, I just wish you could love yourself enough to believe me.” Ben leant over and kissed Gray on the forehead, and then he got to his feet, turned and walked out of the room. He had no idea if he would ever be allowed back, but he hadn’t lied, he would always be around.

Six months of therapy at one of the best residential homes in the country had left Grayling feeling he could at least begin to face the world once again. He’d known all along that he hadn’t been to blame for the rape but the guilt he felt over the attacks on Ben and Simon had haunted him.

Marcia Mulholland had visited him once a month to keep herself updated on his condition; he would see her weekly for as long as he wanted to once he was back in London.

A trip to New York had persuaded his sister that she didn’t need to worry too much about him. They’d skated in Central Park, shopped in Saks, taken the Staten Island ferry and seen the Statue of Liberty from the water. The restaurants they’d eaten in ranged from burger bars to five star establishments and Gray had enjoyed every moment of it. No one had known who he was and there had been no need to be constantly looking over his shoulder.

Finally he’d come back to London ready to take a firm hold of his life once again. Gray was no fool; he knew he still had a long way to go before he could lock his demons away permanently, or even temporarily. He was able to deal with them on a day-to-day basis though, and there had been plenty of times when he’d doubted his ability to do even that.

Ben had kept himself busy while Gray tried to get his world back into focus. As promised he had been a visible force in Gray’s life, but had only ever travelled at the younger man’s speed, and done what he was asked and nothing more. He had found himself a therapist and talked over his own feelings and fears as well as trying to understand what Gray was going through and how he was likely to react.

He hadn’t looked at another man in the time they hadn’t been an official couple. His love was as strong as it had been the day of the attack. He didn’t expect it to ever change.

Ben’s mobile had rung twice before he heard the voice he loved so much.

“Gray?”

“That’s me. How you doing, Ben?”

It had only been a couple of days since they’d last seen each other, but their regular coffee dates had been on the neutral ground of the local café and had always been on Gray’s terms. He had felt things were getting better and better between them though. The laughter had begun to return to his life even though sometimes it was still very hard going. Gray had even brushed his lips with his own when they parted outside the coffee house earlier that week. This though was the first time Gray had called Ben without make prior plans to do so.

“Can we talk?”

“Yes, oh, God, yes, Gray, please.” Ben didn’t care if he was begging; he’d get on his knees if necessary. Gray was his soul mate and he’d do anything if it meant they could be together again.

“I got a hamper, want to come and have a picnic?”

“It’s eight in the evening. Where do you want to have this picnic?”

“Come and pick me up, I’ll show you.”

Gray had moved from his old apartment, but not very far. The group who had built Barton Towers had other properties in the city and Gray had found a very nice penthouse with stunning views, doormen, security services and gates that were locked every evening. He felt safe there, no one knew him, or what had happened, all they did know was he could afford their services and for that reason alone they would provide them.

Ben’s photo was flashed up onto the computer screen as he gave his name to the smartly uniformed security guard at the reception desk in the main lobby of Gray’s new home. He was scanned with a metal detector before he was allowed to enter and realized the influential politician who had recently bought a property two floors below Gray must now be in residence.

The lift took him silently and swiftly to the top floor where he knew Gray would be waiting for him. His presence already announced via the video intercom facility that each apartment had.

His heart almost stopped beating when he stepped out into the thickly carpeted penthouse lobby and realised that Gray wasn’t waiting for him. He didn’t have a key and so he anxiously moved towards the door raising his hand to knock as he did so.

The door, however, was already open, the door was never open, and all the terrible memories of the previous winter flooded back to him and he rushed inside.

“Gray!” Ben called out his lover’s name, afraid Gray had fooled everyone, afraid he’d decided to finish what he started and have him find the body again. “Gray, where are you?”

“In here!”

“Oh, thank God.” Ben rested his head against the doorframe of Gray’s bedroom, his eyes closed as he regulated his breathing. The voice he’d heard was throaty and excited and as Ben finally looked at him he knew why. “Gray?”

“You said you didn’t cut and run, please, Ben, come back to me.” Gray was sitting on the bed on a red and white gingham picnic cloth. There was a wicker basket beside him with champagne and strawberries in it. Gray had a pair of faded blue jeans on and a white shirt. His feet were bare and his hair was slightly mussed. To Ben he was the best thing he’d seen in a long time.

“I’ve waited so long for you to ask me.” His voice choked as he spoke and Ben covered his confusion by making himself comfortable on the bed. He smiled as Gray handed him a flute of champagne and tilted it towards its pair as they toasted each other.

“To us. I’ve missed you, but I had to do things at my own speed.”

“I know, and I told you I would wait. How could I not? I love you, Gray.” Ben drank some of the bubbly, slightly sweet, liquid but his eyes never left the face of his companion. He opened his mouth as a strawberry was pressed against his lips and then laughed as the juice spilt down onto his top and Gray shook his head.

“That will have to come off you know.”

Ben growled in response, almost ripping the t-shirt from his body before shoving the tablecloth off the bed and claiming Gray by pulling him into a hug.

“Love me, Ben, make love to me.”

“Are you sure, baby?”

Gray nodded his head, he had no idea if he could do this but he wanted to try.

“Kiss me.”

Ben needed no further encouragement; he ran his hand into the soft long hair, luxuriating in its feel. He had missed it so. Their lips claimed each other, tongues clashing for a moment before Ben began to suck on Gray, taking him into his own mouth, as he purged his mind of all the lonely days and nights since he’d last kissed his mate that way.

“If I’m not wearing a shirt then you’re not either.” Ben didn’t even try to take the top off sensibly. He grabbed the neck and tore it down the front, sending buttons flying, it took a couple of attempts but soon Gray was lying bare chested, his eyes dark with passion as Ben sucked a waiting nipple into his mouth, nipping and licking it while his hand played and pinched the other one.

“Ohhhh, God, Ben, I’ve missed you so much.”

“Shhh, baby, all the things you want to say we can talk about later. For now just let me love you, make you mine again.” Ben stood for a moment and undid his jeans. He removed all his remaining clothes in one movement and when he looked up Gray was lying naked before him, his cock standing to attention as it waited for him to touch it.

“So beautiful, Gray, so beautiful.” Ben straddled his lover and began to gently touch him. He wanted Gray to be glad he’d instigated things and knew that rushing him wouldn’t work. His fingers massaged the hairy chest, running over ribs and hips before he leant over and began to leave small kisses in their wake. Each nipple was sucked for a moment before Ben moved on. He sucked hard enough to leave red marks in a few places before stopping altogether and beginning again at Gray’s feet. He sucked each toe in turn, looking up to see Gray squirming on the bed and hearing him moan.

“Turn over, baby.” Ben’s voice was husky with arousal but he still held himself in check and waited for Gray to do as he was told. Once he could see the tight round butt clenching in anticipation before him Ben dipped his head again this time to lick the smooth cheeks and gently part them to expose Gray’s hidden jewel.

“Yes, there, Ben, kiss me there, ohhhh!” Gray’s voice came out as aroused as his partner’s but ended in a hiss as he felt the warm wet tongue begin its quest for admittance.

Ben’s fingers massaged deep into the butt muscles as he worked with his tongue, he felt Gray rub himself on the sheet and smiled.

“Did you want something, baby?” He stopped what he was doing, enjoying the cry of disappointment that Gray couldn’t prevent from escaping.

“You, Ben, take me, please.” Gray rubbed himself some more but stopped when he felt a very light but still surprising slap on his bottom.

“If you cum I’ll stop, let me get you ready.” The lube and condoms were still in the nightstand and Ben grabbed them. He dripped the cold liquid down Gray’s skin, watching as it made its way into the tight pink rosebud. He put the condom on, coated his fingers and then began to gently make his way inside again.

“Oh, arghhh, Ben, hurts.” Gray couldn’t help but tighten up but instead of pulling out Ben kept moving as he began planting little kisses across Gray’s back.

“Shhh … I’ll take … it … slow… just … relax … that’s it … baby.”

Slowly and carefully over the next few minutes Ben stretched and widened Gray’s passage and then as he withdrew the three fingers he watched the younger man turn onto his back.

“Thank you, now, take me, Ben, make me yours again.”

Ben needed no further invitation. He lifted Gray’s body, placing his cock against the younger man’s hole.

“Push back against me, that’s it, ohhhh, Gray, you are so tight, so warm.” As Ben felt himself slowly move inside Gray’s body he pushed too and soon his balls were gently slapping against Gray’s skin.

“Fuck me, Ben, hard, let me feel you take me.” Gray’s hands were grasping the sheets and already there was a light coat of sweat across his chest. Ben just nodded his head and began to thrust, holding Gray’s hips and using them as leverage.

“Now, Gray, cum for me, baby.” Ben had watched as his lover jacked off in front of him. Each time he thrust forwards Gray’s hand had travelled the length of his cock and now he felt the muscles contract around his own dick and knew Gray was ready to explode.

“Yes, oh, yes, Arghhh, Ben, fuck, BEN!” Gray’s body lifted from the bed so only his shoulders touched. His cock jerked with the rest of him, sending its load into the air before it splattered down on Gray’s chest. The tightness of the channel tipped Ben over the edge and he felt his own load fill the condom as he shot once, twice, three times with such force that he could no longer support his own weight. Falling down to the side of Gray, Ben felt himself leave his lover’s body before he closed his eyes and gave in to the darkness.

The luxury hotel on the Cornish cliff top was a welcome haven from the driving rain outside. The wind lashed the storm against the windows and more than one guest looked out and was thankful for the fact that they didn’t have to go anywhere.

Ben, his hands held in tight fists to stop them shaking, looked around at the friendly faces and then back at his watch for the fourth or fifth time in the last two minutes. He couldn’t quite believe he was standing in such opulent surroundings, but then he couldn’t quite believe a lot of what had happened over the last few months.

Gray had asked him to move in with him and it had taken him all of five seconds to agree. He had rented his home out and now had some independent income to use when he wanted to treat Gray to something. Chief Inspector Nelson had worked hard to get Paul Mayerling convicted. He had visited and revisited acquaintances the two men had known when Simon was killed and had, to the delight and disbelief of Gray, found witnesses willing to testify. He had charged Mayerling with statutory rape and stalking. With the unequivocal evidence at the disposal of the crown prosecution service, Gray’s rapist had pled guilty. When Nelson called to say he had been sent down for fifteen years Gray had slumped against Ben in their apartment and sobbed; the tears finally beginning to cleanse his troubled soul.

Now, six months later, Ben stood and waited for Gray to join him so they could be married. The change in English law had delighted the men and they had both secretly arranged to propose to their partner on the same day. Gray had been the first though, he decorated the flat while Ben was at work with balloons, streamers and banners proclaiming his love and asking for his mate’s hand in matrimony. Ben’s quiet candlelit dinner had been the more romantic occasion and they had exchanged rings and toasted their future.

Standing in the hotel’s beautifully decorated wedding suite Gray grasped his dad’s hand and smiled.

“Thanks for doing this for me.”

“No problem. I just want you to be happy, and now I know you are.”

Gray nodded his head and then together, he and his father walked towards the man he loved and a future he was finally looking forward to.